Your Celebrity Spirit Animal


We all have spirit animals. At the age of 10, it was invariably a dolphin or a tiger, but things may have changed. Our choices are probably a bit more nuanced now and less influenced by saber teeth/ Lisa Frank drawings. And we also have celebrity spirit animals (CSAs) — whether we know it or not. But regardless of who it is, it’s important to intimately know your it — just as you know your horoscope — because not living your life accordingly is nothing short of spiritual suicide. Here, an easy guide to some of the more common CSAs.

Katy Perry: First and foremost, you love bright colors. Anything shiny, sparkly, distracting, or generally something a seven-year-old would want at their birthday party, you are all about. The more glossy and unnatural looking, the better. You would love a closet full of clothing and lingerie that would be appropriate for a Strawberry Shortcake-inspired porn. You also permanently have this look on your face like you’re not 100 percent positive what’s going on, but you’re pretty sure you like it. You probably surf We Heart It in your spare time. You may have been a cheerleader in high school, but if not, you were certainly going all-out at every pep rally in the stands. And, let’s be honest, you’d marry a kitchen sponge if it had a British accent.

Color: Fluorescent Pink
Constellation: Lynx

Woody Allen: You have this strange combination of Peter Pan syndrome and Old Soul in which you never grow up, but you’re also never un-self-aware enough to be young. Let’s be honest, you’re probably a bearded guy wearing tweed, living in New York, working on a novel of some kind, and over thinking every single thing he does — from choosing an MFA program to buying a tube of toothpaste. There is an overwhelmingly nebbishy quality about you, one that attracts the “smart” girls who are all incredibly different in their uniform bangs, oversized glasses, and dresses. Also, you would totally bang your daughter, she is so hot.

Color: Muted Rust
Constellation: Mensa

Kanye West: You are confident to the point where no one can tell if it’s a joke anymore, but everyone’s pretty sure that if it isn’t a joke, it’s really, really sad. You make a lot of commentary on various social media outlets, sit back, and think to yourself, “God damn, I’m clever.” People either love you more than their own mother and would fall on a sword defending what you do, or hate you with the fire of a thousand suns and wait patiently for your death. It’s also been debated that you are not yet comfortable enough with your homosexuality to reveal it, so you date bald women as a next-best-thing substitute.

Color: Black, as it is the new black (according to you)
Constellation: Crux

Zooey Deschanel: You know exactly who you are if Zooey is your CSA. I’d go into it, but does the world really need another mental image of you batting your eyelashes as you pretend not to understand how to use a pasta strainer?

Color: Dusty Lavender
Constellation: Ursa Minor

Angelina Jolie: Let’s be honest, you’re probably kind of insufferable. You are involved in some capacity with Amnesty International, Teach for America, or the Peace Corps — which would be fine, of course, if you could only stop talking about it for five seconds. All of your Facebook pictures are you smiling with a bunch of various ethnic children, showing the world how generous and awesome you are. You’re also probably quite pretty, but in a way that’s so intimidating and severe it’s almost not attractive anymore.

Color: Grey
Constellation: Draco

Ryan Gosling: You are, without a doubt, the coolest guy around. You’re the impossibly attractive, interesting, smart, funny guy that somehow doesn’t seem to be a complete ass and therefore attracts the interest of both shallow and “smart, tortured” girls. You’re so desirable, in fact, that people will superimpose their own sociopolitical beliefs on pictures of you to further deepen the fantasies they have about the kind of person they think you are. No one knows this, but in real life, you probably just like eating bacon cheeseburgers, not thinking too much, watching ESPN, and going to bed at a reasonable hour. Shh, don’t spoil the fantasy.

Color: Blue
Constellation: Lepus

Ellen Degeneres: You have, at some point, transitioned into the coolest mom at the PTA meeting. You are the mom that wears GAP khaki clamdiggers and sends all of the funny chain emails with the rapping kittens and dancing Obama GIFs. You are into what the “kids” are into, and you are definitely “hip.” You listen to Justin Bieber just like any cool dude, and you certainly know how to crack a good zinger when the time calls for it. You are a mere 10-or-so years away from saying “jee willikers.”

Color: Sunflower Yellow
Constellation: Delphinus

James Franco: As the guy who is perpetually too cool to be fully involved with anything, but will stop by for five minutes to smoke a cigarette and talk about himself, you’re probably pretty busy. You’ve got a full schedule of class, poetry readings, art shows, concerts, and parties — none of which you care about, like, at all. You often refer to yourself as being “pretty into Hemingway right now,” as well as “looking to take a year off.” You can look forward to traveling Europe, smoking a lot of hash, and becoming an even more self-important douche.

Color: Mauve
Constellation: Auriga

Beyonce: You are the most popular, beautiful, flawless girl in the tri-state area. People are afraid to approach you, so intimidating and far-reaching is your perfection. You’ll probably try to take it down a notch or two by getting with a guy who is several leagues below you, otherwise people will probably start thinking that you’re actually a cyborg designed by the music industry to siphon our remaining disposable income.

Color: Gold
Constellation: Hydra

Leonardo DiCaprio: You are probably pretty hot or whatever, but you will never, ever, ever win an Oscar.


Color: Tear-Stained Blue
Constellation: Andromeda

Adele: Your Tumblr is the most righteous of all the Tumblrs, filled with photos of inspiration to get over your evil ex, poetry written by the Strong Women who came before you, and quotes from feminist leaders to remind you that you are better off without the guy. Everyone loves you and frankly, to not love you would be mean. To not love you would mean you don’t appreciate a woman wearing her heart on her sleeve because she has been broken but she will come back like a phoenix from the ashes, quoting The Vagina Monologues and going for happy hour with the girls. You –simply put — go, girl.

Color: Royal Purple
Constellation: Equuleus

Kristen Wiig: You are the funny one who can be appreciated by people with all senses of humor. You are the kind of funny that even people who don’t particularly love what you do can nod their head in approval and be like, “Yeah, that girl is definitely hilarious.” Everyone would love to be your best friend, because you just seem so unbelievably cool and down-to-earth and wonderful and beautiful and OH GOD KRISTEN WIIG PLEASE MARRY ME.

Color: Hilarious Orange
Constellation: Corvus

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