I write for you.
‘You’ has been occupied by so many faces and names, but every time I’m reminded of you. You, whose entrance into my life nearly shattered my sky-high walls created to protect myself from future heartache.
You, whose deep brown eyes wore me down to my core, shedding light to every hidden crevice of my being.
You, whose mere voice can awaken a part of me I hadn’t known existed. You, who tore me down only to lift me up.
You will never understand the magnitude of how deeply I felt for you. It was an illusion, on my part, to believe we had a real connection, and you aided in maintaining the hallucination of love.
What we shared resembled two different trees alongside one another. I, the evergreen, and you the redwood. We are from two different worlds, two different sides of the country. Two different ways of life and ways of thinking. Somehow, though, our roots intertwined.
But at the end of the day we were of different fibers. The leaves that fell from our branches were parts of ourselves we had given up to share, but they fell in the middle ground between us, leading to confusion on what we were.
I attribute my loss of self to the time I spent trying to emulate the woman you loved, and still love. I will never be her, nor do I want to be. She was the unattainable willow tree, the eccentric and often romanticized version of a woman. As much as you caused me an immense amount of pain and stunted my growth, I would never wish harm to your heart as she did. You never understood that.
You never gave me the chance to love you. To really love you. We were undefined, and it’s quite ridiculous that you strung me along for nearly a year, in hopes that I’d change your mind. I was never going to be the one for you. You were from another world. While we contradicted each other, I learned more than I’d hoped to learn from you.
You simply weren’t right for me, but all the effort I put into making you happy was worth the heartache because now I know what I deserve and what I don’t deserve.
For now, I’ll stand on my own, unwavering in the cold winter wind. Until I find myself alongside someone who adds to the sunlight and positivity in my life, I’ll stay alone and create my own path for my roots to grow.