You re-evaluate your natural, aggressive tendencies.
If you, like me, are naturally full of unwarranted, blind aggression, then you’ll have noticed by now that you write a lot in capital letters ANYWAY. The use of capital letters is important because they give your tweets and Facebook updates an actual voice. They subconsciously alert the reader which words ought to be emphasised to best communicate your rage. For example, “Jesus CHRIST” has the emphasis on CHRIST, which sounds like an exclamation pertaining to hearing that one of your faux-friends has gone and done something that irritates the heck out of you (gotten a new boyfriend, gotten engaged, become happy and fulfilled in life). Whereas “JESUS Christ” has more of an “I’m incredibly exasperated at your stupidity at this moment in time” feeling to it. However, writing COMPLETELY in caps all day long makes you seem like some kind of vengeful sociopath. So you have to learn to write nicer things. Rather than write “MY FRIEND STOOD ME UP FOR DRINKS AGAIN,” which seems needlessly aggressive, you delete it, and instead choose to write “CAN ANYONE PLEASE DROPBOX ME BLOUSE’S ALBUM?”
You develop empathy
You probably already had empathy, unless you actually are a vengeful sociopath, but when writing all in caps, you must to constantly reassure your friends that you are not mad at them, you are not laughing at them, and in fact you are very sympathetic to what they are talking about. If you weren’t writing exclusively in caps, you would never have to offer this kind of succour, and your friend would probably never open up to you like this. Sure, it might look weird saying SO TELL ME ABOUT THE GUY YOU’RE SEEING, HOW IS THAT GOING? THAT STILL GOING ON? DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE CAPS LOCK THING, I’M NOT MAKING FUN OF YOU, I’M JUST DOING THIS FOR TODAY, I REALLY AM INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY quite so loudly, but well done, your friends love you again.
You stop feeling sorry for yourself in public.
Life sucks. You don’t need to tell me that. Everyone is much more talented and happy than you are and you’re taking all kinds of pills because you’re depressed about whatever. If you’re not taking pills, you have random and seemingly unprompted anxiety attacks. Normally you wake up, sit in bed all day and then decide to write a bunch of self-defeating, self-pitying status updates ending in “fml” or “:(.” When written entirely in lowercase, these look sort of ironic, like you’re making a witty comment on post-postmodern first-world angst. However, when writing in caps, “took my tablets too early now i can’t sleep fml” goes from being slightly pathetic to “TOOK MY TABLETS TOO EARLY NOW I CAN’T SLEEP FML” — uncompromisingly psychotic and fearlessly manic. Delete it and quote Parks and Recreation‘s Tom Haverford instead. Add an amusing hashtag and you’re golden.
You’re funny on Twitter
If you want to be funny on twitter, SHOUT EVERYTHING. Look how much funnier it is. Insipid, banal and unnecessary “i just ate a goddamn clementine” becomes the ribald, witty and cutting-edge “I JUST ATE A GODDAMN CLEMENTINE” — you’re adding meaning to an otherwise pointless exertion. Your followers will be thinking “why would she tell me that she’s eating a clementine? What a clever, insightful and ironic statement she makes in this, the age of confessional social medias, how funny she must be, and I know it is a joke, it must be because she has written it all in capital letters.”
See? Spending all day seeing the little green light on your caps lock key permanently aglow is good for the soul. Give it a go, just for one day. Let go of the tyranny of acceptable grammar, open your mind, for once in your life, won’t you?