When You’re No One’s Daughter


When I was a teenager I would see articles about celebrity women estranged from their mothers. For as long as I can remember, I have been able to relate to those women. It might not sound that strange for a teenage girl not to get along with their mom but it was always on a different level for me.

Let me start from the beginning.

I had a young, single mom. She was barely 22 when she had me. For the first seven years of my life we were closer than most mothers and daughters. Eventually, when I was still young, I had a stepfather, too, and he was great back then. When I was 8, my mom had my brother. When I was 11, my mom had my first sister. And on my 13 birthday, my mom had my youngest sister. I don’t know if that was the cause of the rift in our relationship but it probably had a lot to do with her being extremely overwhelmed having a teenager and three little ones. More than she had planned on, I’m sure.

From the age of 8 on, everything just kept getting worse. When I said those classic teenage girl words “I hate my mom!” I felt it on a completely different level from other girls. It never felt wrong. I guess the words themselves were unfair. I don’t hate my mom. She has done so many things for me and she has helped me when I’ve had no choice but to be dependent on her. I know if I need 20 dollars, she would lend it to me in a second and if I need to move home for two months, there are no questions asked. But I hate the way she treats me. I hate the way she looks at me. I hate the way I feel around her. I may not hate her, but I do not love her.

This indifference has always been there, but as of recently it has stemmed into something new. You could call it an epiphany. I realized the only way to remove myself from the hurt she causes me is to no longer look at her as my mother. Hear me out. I love my family even though they are a crazy, loud, big family who are too much for me at times. I am not looking to be 100% estranged from her. But I do not want to be her daughter. I feel no connection to a mother or a father in my life. Maybe part of me wishes I did, but I have hope that maybe in-laws or friends will become a support system like that for me one day. I love my grandparents, they were extremely young grandparents and I’ve always had them around. I will remain a part of my family but I choose to be no one’s daughter. I already feel that way anyway. I’ll be changing my last name. I’ll be distancing myself. I will be wisely choosing the things I tell them and the affection I show them, which is little to none now anyway.

I wonder if other people are like me in this unique situation. I wonder if other people feel no connection to either a mother or a father. It is a sad concept but to me, this is normal. I know I might like to have it but I don’t wish for it. She will never change who she is and I will never again try to change her. I simply have to cut myself loose. I have to make it clear that I am officially no one’s daughter. I have to better myself for the sake of my future children. I have to become my best self and choose to let no one stand in my way.

I’m not afraid of being no one’s daughter. It’s just who I am.

featured image – Nicki Varkevisser