When You Try To Change Someone Who Doesn’t Want To Change


It is in our nature – trying to fix someone. Change certain personality traits and habits, figure out the secrets, learn how to help a person, who is perfectly fine without our help, just to make ourselves feel comfortable. Are we that selfish that we try to make our beloved ones suitable for us…or do we really care about them?

I couldn’t get this thought out of my mind after driving myself crazy trying to figure out a person so mysterious and complicated that I bet he couldn’t figure himself out either. I tried everything. I talked to him, tried to get to know him better, but he kept pushing me away. He didn’t let me in.

I bought psychology books and spent my time reading them so I could at least come up with a term defining his personality type and behavior. I looked like a desperate, crazy girlfriend when I wasn’t even in love with the guy. It was a frustrating experience I went through for months, until I realized – you can’t change someone…

Yes, of course, someone you are in a relationship with can change certain things for you. But what if it is an almost relationship? What if you yourself cannot figure out why you need that person to change or why that something bothers you so much?

Is it because you care that deeply or is it just a type of game, like a puzzle you have to put together? A mystery you have to solve.

Why do we get carried away with this game? Why can’t we just let it be?

Most importantly, why do none of them change despite all the effort we put in?

Because a person who doesn’t need your help will never accept it. A person who says he’s perfectly fine the way he is will not consider looking at himself from your point of view.

When people are either comfortable in their skin or scared to admit they have issues, they will not change. No matter how much you try. No matter what your intentions are. No matter what you think or say.

Sometimes one needs to figure it out on his own. And sometimes…very rarely, one will ask you for help when he’s ready for it.

All you can do to understand someone (just for making yourself understand the issue without proposing help) is to accept the fact that every person has a history and that no matter what it is, it has nothing to do with you personally. You have to let it go.