“Branches know a thing or two about letting go, that even with no audience, you never cease to grow, so when spring seeped through her skin, her heart sent out its roots and like the world around her, she grew, stronger than she ever thought she could and braver than before. She left her former self to rot amongst the forest floor.” — Anonymous
You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get, your heads telling you “no” and your hearts screaming at you “yes”? Love, it’s all around us or in my case it was right in front of me with blinking lights. But I was too stubborn, or in too much denial to notice.
I never expected to fall in love with my best friend but I did.
I remember it like it was yesterday, we were sitting next to each other on the school bus, I was in a floral maxi dress and you were in navy jeans and a blue sweatshirt. That was the first time you called me pretty, we were fifteen. Oh darling if only you knew how much that meant to me. My darling boy.
Age sixteen, as school president you had the honor of the first dance at our leavers dinner, you ditched your date and asked me to dance in her place, you always knew how to make me feel a million dollars, even without realizing it.
The first time I found myself cuddled up next to your warm body, your hands quivering before you placed them onto my skin. Both of us wanted something so badly, but neither of us wanted to make things awkward — which in turn makes everything unbearably awkward — and so I lay there embracing every ounce of this uncomfortable feeling.
We were those friends whose parents thought we we’re going to get married one day but alas anything that once was, had all but disappeared.
For fifteen years I was the best friend up until Jill, I hated the bitch, I still do. Jill Rebecca, your first serious girlfriend. Big tits, blond hair and blue eyes, every guys dream right? She took your virginity, all of your attention and all of your time. I was devastated. I would convince myself that it was just a silly crush, I’ll get over it, how wrong I was.
I never understood you, I still don’t, all I know is that you’ve got a lot of fucking issues. When you and Jill broke up the first time I was overjoyed, you’d barley spoken to me over the past year and all of a sudden all of your attention was on me again, why wouldn’t I be? I was your support system, like I’d always been. I comforted you though through thick and thin, through your depression and your darkest days. I loved you, I would’ve done anything for you. To you I was like a yo-yo, time and time again you’d push me away, stop speaking to me, act like I didn’t exist, then you’d bring me back and everything was back to normal, because you knew I’d always be there, it was a curse, one I couldn’t break.
Growing up in a small rural town was tough, I had an overwhelming desire to do something with my life, I didn’t want to be stuck in a mediocre job in a small town full of disappointments. So when I told you I was moving to the big city you made the effort to spend every day possible together.
I haven’t spoken to you in six months. That’s what so damn difficult about making the decision to leave. Whether it’s the right or wrong call, the hurts just the same. I’ve lost all my friends from home and i haven’t thought about loving you for I’m too busy loving myself. As time passes I’ll feel better about myself and my life, I’ll let myself go, I know things are changing for the best and like all things that are worth it, I took a chance and I did it without regret.
You and I had a fucked up friendship, God knows I tried to feel happy for you. I was your amber, but now she’s your gold. If only I meant it when I said that I was happy for you, here’s my good bye, know that I am, even if I can’t understand, if happy is her, I am happy for you.
“It was summer when he came searching, back to the place where she had been, feeling small beneath the forest and its brand new coat of green. She smiled to know he’d never find her, for the person that he missed, was a version of herself that long ago ceased to exist.” —Anonymous