What Not To Do When You’re My Intern


Do not friend me on Facebook. Do not follow me on Twitter. Do not send me YouTube videos.

Do not ask if you can be more involved in what I’m doing. Not even I am involved in what I’m doing. So why should you get to be?

Do not express intellectual dissatisfaction with the filing I gave you. Do not sigh audibly. I did not choose to have you here, and not having to file these clips myself is the only chance I have to make you useful.

Do not flirt with the cute male assistant in our department. Odds are I’ve slept with him and it’s awkward between us. He’s only talking to you to hurt me.

Do not eat food near me that has any discernible smell. In fact, don’t eat food near me ever. Take a whole hour for lunch. Take two. I am sick of thinking up projects to occupy your time and justify your existence.

Do not talk about how monumental and life-affirming, yet scary but also kind of sad it is to be a rising senior. My eyes are bloodshot from rolling them so hard. Fuck you.

Do not attempt to ingratiate yourself with me and my coworkers by laughing when we laugh. We weren’t talking to you.

Do not talk to my boss. Definitely don’t talk to my boss’ boss. I’ve been trying to think of clever things to say to him in the hallway for two years and if you make him laugh, you will make me cry.

Do not show up early.

Do not stay late. You may think this is the type of thing potential employers “notice,” but they don’t. Those people have left already. Only I notice, and it annoys me.

Do not be thinner or tanner than me. Also do not come from a more supportive, wealthy family, or go to a better school than I did.

Do not talk about the internships you’ve had before this internship. Definitely don’t talk about how you want my job after this internship. Or “you know, not YOUR job, but … a job like yours.” Did I mention that you should never ever talk to my boss?

Do not tell me about the business and motivational books you are reading.

Do not email “You’re welcome.”

Do not take planking photos on the coffee makers in the communal kitchen.

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image – The Intern