What I Should Have Said Instead of Ghosting You

I hate to be that person, I hate to use this excuse. I have tried to think of a better way to explain this. I wish there was a more concrete reason. In all honesty though, I just can’t do this. It’s not right and I don’t know why. But I swear, it’s not you, it’s me.

I should be falling head over heels. I should be counting my lucky stars to have someone like you. You are exactly what I was hoping for. You are kind and caring, but also bold and fun. You and I have so much in common, it’s like we are cut from the same cloth. Our goals for life are aligned, you have supported mine as much as you have worked for your own.

These are all the things I wanted. But I just can’t want them right now.

Maybe it’s just timing, maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe in another world, another life, this would work out perfectly. Maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid, maybe I would be able to open up. But this is not another world, this is not another life. Sitting here as I am, I can’t do those things. I can’t pretend that this feels right.

Something is missing, and that something is me.

I always told myself I wouldn’t be this person. I know what it feels like, I know how painful and confusing it is. It’s selfish and it’s careless, but I don’t know how to stop it. On the one hand I can’t help but continue to reach out, seek that affection that I crave. On the other, it is all too much, too soon of a reminder of what I have lost. So this is why I am leaving without an explanation.

This is why you will never hear from me again without even hearing a goodbye.

And please for your own sake, stop reaching out. Stop asking why, I won’t be able to help you through this time. I won’t be able to heal your pain. There is nothing I can say to you that will make sense of this situation. There’s nothing I can do that will make you understand.