What Every Single Thing In The Universe Says About You


1. What your six-fingered glove says about you.

2. What your yellow Capri pants say about you.

3. What the theme of your holiday party says about your drug addiction.

4. What your MRI results say about you.

5. What your cult leader says about you behind your back to the other members of the cult.

6. What the entire sleeve of vanilla Oreos you ate says about your love of vanilla Oreos.

7. What your ex girlfriend says about you to her new girlfriend, and to your new girlfriend, who I hope to God is a different person.

8. What your need to be defined by articles on the Internet says about you.

9. What your inability to think for yourself says about you.

10. What your 20somethings say about you using only emojis.

11. What your walls would say about you if they could talk.

12. What your orgasm pose says about your religious upbringing.

13. What your mother says about you to her therapist.

14. What your favorite movie quote says about your college experience.

15. What your job says about your willingness or capability to conform.

16. What your favorite Parks & Rec. episode says about your favorite Mad Men character.

17. What your murder weapon in Clue—and in reality—says about you.

18. What the number of seashells in that jar your bathroom says about you.

19. What your hallucinations say about you and your neural tract.

20. What the type of insulation in your childhood home says about you.

21. What your urinary tract infection says about you.

22. What the local sponsor of your youth recreational soccer team says about you.

23. What the NSA wiretapping scandal says about your hair health.

24. What your grandfather’s facial hair says about your love life.

25. What the amount of times you’ve eaten food off the floor says about the battery life of your keychain flashlight.

26. What your frying pan says about your face-shape.

27. What your address says about your time zone.

28. What your drink order says about the likelihood of you being in a secret society.

29. What Tina Fey says about you (spoiler alert: nothing).

30. What your mirror says about you to other mirrors.

31. What the diameter of your asshole says about your dreams.

32. What your love of ice pops says about how you pronounce the word “coffee.”

33. What your makeout music says about when you’ll die.

34. What your Tumblr password says about your chances at having a bedroom fireplace.

35. What your frenemies say about you on Twitter.

36. What your plastic surgeon says about your mole.

37. What your arm hair says about your surviving the zombie apocalypse.

38.  What your favorite firework shape says about your oral sex skills.

39. What your mailman says about the screaming coming from your window.

40. What your favorite Snapple flavor says about your haircut.

41. What your kid says about your obsession with what they say about you.

42. What your Google search history says about your imagination.

43. What your cannonball collection says about your dating percentages.

44. What your love of soup says about your tooth health.

45. What your New York State Earth Science Regents score says about your ability to read human social cues.

46. What your vagina says about your poetry.

47. What your journal entries say about your bloodlust.

48. What your performance anxiety says about your likelihood of sleeping in a hammock.

49. What your preacher says about your favorite vacation spot.

50. What your comment on this article says about your mental state.

51. What your NYTimes subscription says about our friendship.

52. What your favorite Ginuwine track says about your sex appeal.

53. What your Hollister sweatshirt says about overcoming adversity.

54. What your yoga mat says about your probability of being an ogre.

55. What Jenny from middle school says about your dye job.

56. What your deepest fears say about your self-esteem.

57. What your leisure time says about your opportunities for masturbation.

58. What your three-way location says about your marriage.

59. What your closet organizer purchase says about your chances at dating that girl from the Container Store.

60. What your favorite 1980s theme song says about your judgment.

61. What your most brutal rejection says about your endurance.

62. What the fuzzy dice in your car say about your likelihood of living in Arizona.

63. What your clogged toilet says about your diet.

64. What your leg length says about your sweater storage possibilities.

65. What your vagaries say about your confidence.

66. What your lava lamp ownership says about your chronic migraines.

67. What your hair color says about the likelihood I will hit on you.

68. What your basket of pears says about your terrible taste.

69. What your dramatic entrance says about your need for attention.

70. What your misunderstanding of your needs says about your wants.

71. What your shoes say about your checking account.

72. What your workmanship says about your birthplace.

73. What your best friend says about you to your face.

74. What your reality show appearance says about your shrewdness.

75. What your penis size says about your optimism.

76. What your pencil eraser says about your mistakes.

77. What your smile says about your suppression.

78. What your infestation says about your tenacity.

79. What your coaster says about your pessimism.

80. What your use of context clues says about your literacy.

81. What your dog says about your interest in expensive suede carpeting.

82. What your Ziploc bag closure style says about your stress level.

83. What your Halloween costume says about your lack of ambition.

84. What your braces say about your problem-solving abilities.

85. What your popped collar says about your likelihood of being Raquel Welch.

86. What your love of life says about your financial security.

87. What your fan fiction says about your critical thinking.

88. What your porn bookmarks say about your audacity.

89. What your Vines say about your work schedule.

90. What your deodorant says about your subway ride.

91. What your Moleskin notebook says about you being insufferable.

92. What your sheets say about your promiscuity.

93. What your favorite Disney Princess says about you being born in the 1990s.

94. What your pinky ring says about your menacing nature.

95. What your lacrosse brah says about your table manners.

96. What your dildo says about your vigor.

97. What your Vespa says about your acceptance of winter as a reality.

98. What your favorite author says about the probability you’re a drag.

99. What your favorite handbag says about the likelihood you’ll hit on me.

100. What your favorite type of tea says about your homosexuality.

101. What your rap game says about your cell phone plan.