Experiencing a heatwave is like getting a glimpse of your future in eternal damnation. You become so profoundly disgusted with yourself and everyone around you, and want nothing more than the frigid temperatures and frostbitten fingers of the winter. Never fear though. Here are some ways to chill out.
Don’t go outside. Ever. Stay in your apartment in your underwear with your head in the freezer. Make status updates that say “BRB. Putting my head in my freezer.” Get 10,000 “likes”. Listen to lots of Bjork and think of Iceland and how it has the word ice in it and ice is really cold. Imagine being submerged in an ice bucket by an eskimo and have a head chill. You’re almost there, babe. Think it. Dream it. Be it.
If you have to go outside, locate a busted fire hydrant and push all of the kids out of the way so you can soak in the water. “Move, you little no-neck monsters! Mommy needs to cool down, mmkay?” Afterwards, saunter off to a bar and insult everyone there just so you can get drinks thrown in your face. Being attacked will have never felt so refreshing.
Random Girl: What did you call me?
You: An incurable STD. Now please throw your gin and tonic in my face. I’m so hot, OMG!
Don’t touch anyone ever. I don’t care if you’re Ryan Gosling in a loincloth, if you come near me I will scream bloody murder. You become very aware of your body in a heatwave. Every crevice and fat pocket takes center stage. Your body is basically putting you on blast. It shows its true disgusting colors when it’s 100 degrees out. It says to you, “Oh, you think you’re sexy? Watch me sweat in unimaginable places. I will melt your damn face off, okay?” Ugh, your body is such a diva when it’s hot.
Don’t masturbate. That will make you sweat on an average day so imagine what it will be like during a heatwave. Fancy yourself to be a monk basically. No sex, no masturbation, and no drugs or alcohol either because they also make you sweat and dehydrate you. If you’re scared you’re going to give into temptation, tie your hands behind your back. Be naked with no use of your hands. Pray your roommate doesn’t walk in on you and see what you’ve been reduced to.
Find someone who has a weekend house and kiss their ass. Call exes, old classmates, anyone. “Hi beb! I know, it’s been forever! What’s new with you? More importantly, what hasn’t changed? Still have that house in Montauk?!” Make it seem like you’re inviting them to their own weekend home. This is tricky but you can and will do anything in a heatwave.
If all of this fails, just move to Southern California. You won’t ever get uncomfortable there. They freak out when it’s over 80 degrees or below 70.