1. Ten Fidy Imperial Stout
This stout is The Road of imperial stouts. Bleak as sin, but relishing in it. Essentially delicious motor oil. Works for all the things motor oil works for, as well as sunglasses, just raise two glasses in front of your face and feel free to walk past the blindingly lit Christmas tree. Also good for waking up in the snow with no idea if your arm/legs/god-forbid genitals will ever return from its/their/his/her frosty entropic state.
2. Old Fashioned with rye
Fruit is healthy for breakfast all year! Also useful at Mad Men Christmas dress-up dinners if you are cast as Don or, with luck, Freddy Rumsen!
3. Busch Ice
Waking up and craving ice skating/snowboarding Mayhem. Or for excusing ‘accidental’ morning pisses on friends while languishing together naked in the bathtub.
4. That alcoholic whipped cream gruel from a can
4 a.m. pancakes with red and green sprinkles! (The Horror! The Horror!)
5. Irish Coffee
6. Cask Strength Scotch
You smoked too many of your sister’s cloves last night, right? Promote a glass from the bottle you bought for your father with the big red bow. Burn out that pesky throat’s pain receptors!
Good for fueling morning X-Mas Carol free-styles (check out DMX’s version of Rudolph if you are feeling rowdy). And don’t forget your fancy cheerful holiday spoon!
8. White Russians
Big Lebowski themed X-mas brunches. Obviously.
9. Rogue Dead Guy Ale
Every day. Every season. Survival.
10. Long Island Iced Tea
Slurped quickly to prevent untimely morning-sex orgasms with your girlfriend/boyfriend (in the city for two days only)! Or really to prevent coming at all. Now that I think about it, do not drink these god-forsaken things in the morning. Or ever…
***Bad list-maker decides to recast number 10 (which I had a hard time thinking of anyway) with–
10b. Four Loco
I know! I know! But wait, look, I’m thinking the original pre-scare stuff, if you can find it, as a simple X-mas gift to yourself. It is currently the holy grail item of sugary gasoline enthusiasts nationwide! Find a case and put that shit on eBay.
Honorable mention: Eggnog
Eggnog is a very bizarre thing, isn’t it? Can we ruminate on it a moment? Here is a traditional ingredient list: 8 egg yolks, granulated sugar, whole milk, heavy whipping cream, nutmeg, bourbon, rum…….. wait, Jesus. 8 egg yolks? Eight?! Whole milk and whipping cream? This stuff is basically like guzzling down a monstrous bowl of yeti semen. But boy is it scrumptious! Best chewed and swallowed with macaroons, which are a perfect symbol for lost childhood or whatever, especially crispy, old ones, despite what fucking Proust might tell you about fucking Madeleines, which taste like lemony nothing instead of the tooth-snapping crunch of ambition mostly dried.