This is a letter I never wanted to write, but I am left with no other choice. You see, my eyes have finally ran out of tears and now they must flow from my hands into words that will remain in their inherent truth, words that finally will be heard.
Time after time, you have proven yourself to be a liar and a thief, stealing the truth and time from the one who trusted you most, the one who loved you so fiercely it defied logic and limits. But that same love has blinded me, rendered me defenseless in this twisted struggle for power… the only thing you truly love.
Your words and your actions don’t match up. Love is not exploiting and emotionally manipulating the one who loves you. Love is not luring me in and then keeping me hanging. Love is not doing all this while pursuing countless other people shamelessly. Love is not saying “I love you” in order to ensure your power over me. You do not love me, you love the control you hold over me. I am simply a convenience to you, the best thing present at the moment, one easily discarded until the next best comes along.
How dare you declare that you miss me, that you want me, that you love me, while you act in a way that declares the complete opposite?
I regret telling I love you that day. Not because the words were false, but because the words mean nothing to you. To you, they’re just an admittance of my vulnerability, an indication that you are now winning the game that I am to you.
Now I am enraged, I am infuriated, every fiber of my being is angry.
I’m angry for even allowing myself to be fooled into even considering the possibility of an “us” again, that you have changed, that you no longer will harm me anymore. As much as you claim to “love” me, you certainly love hurting me more.
I’m angry because I allowed myself into the inevitable path of your destruction once more.
I’m angry because I was blinded by hope and love to see you for what you truly are and not what you could be — what we could be.
I’m angry that you even dare to say you love me, because it is the greatest lie in your life. I’m angry that each day, my hearts screams its love for you, because it is the greatest truth in my life.
But most of all, I’m angry that this is reality. But someone must start to become honest with themselves and it starts with me. I never wanted it to become like this, for me to have to cut you and a piece of me with it, out forever. We could have been so much more, we could have experienced life and grew together, and we could have actually seen the beauty of a pure, deep love manifest itself in our lives.
But this is our reality. And I cannot place my precious hopes, love, and time into hands that only now how to destroy. I must place them into hands that can build, and that starts with myself. Heartbreak has shaped me, scarred me, but it also has saved me. I deserve far more than your deception and manipulation. I deserve far more than your selfish attempts to regain control over me that are disguised as you innocently “reaching out”, the ones that always leave me in pieces.
There is no longer any point in fighting for something that will never be, much less competing for it against others. Maybe that’s what want: to win a battle of who cares less, of who holds the power. And maybe, just maybe, these girls are your weapons in doing so. Well, congratulations, you now have that them, and by extension, your victory. I am bowing out of this game you have created and entangled me in. I refuse to be fooled by the notion that there is any shred of truth in your “love” for me. If it were indeed true, you would never ignore me for days upon days while further pursuing multiple girls shamelessly.
When you look at them, I hope you see what you threw away. When you kiss them, I hope you taste my words on their lips, and when you sleep with them, you remember the way our bodies fit so perfectly as one.
And if you treat them all like you have treated me, you will spend the rest of your days without knowing how to accept to love without destroying the one giving it to you.
As for me, I would rather live the rest of my days completely alone than have to endure another minute of the self-inflicted misery that is loving someone who only knows how to hurt. It is a hell I have trapped myself in for far too long, allowing myself to cling to shreds of hope and the notion that I didn’t deserve any better. No more will I dance with the devil, no longer shall I be consumed in your flames of destruction, and no longer will I suffocate from your smoke.
Because no one deserves this, especially not me. I am the one who gave her heart to you time and time again. I am the one who loved you with a love that burned so intensely and deeply, a love that may never truly cease radiating in my heart.
I let parts of myself die in your name. But I won’t let them live for you. I refuse to give all my life and love to a boy who lets it slip through his fingers and then proceeds to step on it on his way to his next pursuit. I am not a pawn in your games, I am not the trash you love to throw out.… I am a human being and eternal soul who deserves nothing less the same amount of the respect and love as she gives.
If there is ever comes a time when you can truly love me — not through your words that elicit false hope, but with your actions — then and only then may you talk to me.
By that time, maybe it will be too late. Maybe it won’t be.
But until then, I cannot and will not bear this burden any longer.
The One who was.