I want to start off by saying that I don’t regret meeting you. But I’ll be honest — for a little while, I did. At the beginning, all I wanted was to forget you ever existed. I would spend many nights wishing that we didn’t ever meet. It’s funny because before you broke me, I always loved the way we met. Now I truly know what it means to say, “things change” because they do and they really did.
When we were done, I was sure that I could never forgive you. It was one of those things that I couldn’t ever see happening. I was so overwhelmed with rage. All I felt was the pain that you inflicted and the worst versions of you that I had come to know. I was so sure that all you did was use me. I felt like I meant nothing to you. And all the nights that my tears kept falling, I was trying to figure out how you could do something so cruel to someone who just wanted to love you.
The process of letting you go started with realizing that I wasn’t angry. I was never angry. Really it was just a method of expressing my disappointment. I was so fucking disappointed. In the beginning, it was with you but for the most part, it was with myself. I was so disappointed that I allowed myself to let my guard down for you. I worked so hard to build up my walls to avoid getting hurt. You knew this. But I let you grow on me, I let myself get attached so when it all went down, I was disappointed in myself for lacking better judgement.
It progressed into me blaming myself for every single thing that went wrong between us. Suddenly, all I saw was how good you were and how I could’ve been so much better. At this point, I still cried many nights. Slowly, I realized that there’s no way to tell what broke us and that I’ll never actually figure out who’s to blame because there is no one to blame. Love, no matter how long it lasts, is still love. I will always carry parts of you with me in all my life.
I’ve accepted that we’re better off. And now some days, the thought of you only brings me to wishing that we didn’t end so badly. If you’re reading this, if you still care even just a little bit — know that you’re free. I’ve forgiven you. I don’t hope for anything but greatness in your life. I truly wish you find the happiness and love that you yearned for that I couldn’t fulfill. When you broke me I thought I was weak, but now I realize that it made me stronger. I can’t thank you for that, though, I did that all myself.