This Is Why I Lied To You Again


I lied to you today. When you asked me if I wanted to hang out, I told you I was busy with homework. I’m not. The truth is I can’t seem to get myself to do anything lately. Most days I battle with myself for what feels like hours just to brush my hair in the morning.

I can’t remember the last time my depression and anxiety weren’t dictating what I was able to do and when. My depression tells me that I’m worthless and that I can’t do anything right. Then my anxiety screams that I just need to suck it up and figure it out. They go back and forth in my head in what I can only describe as World War III.

“Are you okay? You seem a little down today.”

“No! I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

God, how many times have I used that line before? I better say something different next time so they don’t get worried. I don’t want to talk about this. They won’t get it. I don’t even understand myself. I don’t want to be a burden.

Depression isn’t just feeling sad. For a large number of people, myself included, it has become a way of life. I don’t remember what it’s like not to wake up dreading the day. I’d rather just go back to sleep. Because sleeping is the only time that my mind is quiet. It’s the only time that I’m not pulling at my clothes wondering how fat I look, or biting the skin around my nails because it’s the only thing I can do to immediately relieve a little bit of the tension housed in my body.

Before I even manage to get myself out of bed, I’ve already thought up 10,000 different things that could, and probably will, go wrong that day. Some days are worse than others, but they all have their dark moments.

I don’t want sympathy. I hate when people feel sorry for me, because all I want is to make others happy. If I can’t do that for myself, at the very least I can do it for someone else. This is why it is so surprising when you find out someone you love has depression. Robin Williams said, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”

So if I, or someone else you suspect may be suffering through depression or anxiety, just seems a little off one day, or can’t seem to pull themselves up out of their own pit of darkness, just be a friend. Offer to listen. Be patient. Be kind.

And most importantly, let them know that you’ll love them through it.