Falling in and falling out of love, as if it were a roller coaster ride bringing in the initial surge of passion and excitement, the epiphany of the first whiff of drugs only to be followed by a never-ending wallow of hallucinations that you cannot escape from. I have always been the person chasing butterflies, jumping through hoops of fire just to keep the spark alive. But a spark could cause a forest fire, is something I could never pin on.
That was until I met you. I have failed and stumbled and hit rock bottom so often that I had forgotten how love was supposed to be like. The warmth of an unmade bed with blankets and pillows flung around when your hands caress the curve of my waist denying me from breaking my slumber after a sleepover. The smell of freshly baked cookies round the house for breakfast and the serenity of just being at peace with myself. The phone call at 2 am, when my pillow is wet with tears and I need you desperately, even when you are exhausted from work. The text at late night when you sacrifice your sleep hours just so you can ensure that I reach home safely. The constant rebuking at regular intervals when my intentions don’t align with my actions.
I had forgotten how love begins when the fire calms down, when you no longer induce goose bumps along my spine and neck when you come close. I had forgotten that love isn’t the fire that could suddenly break loose and wander away, but a warmth and softness of lying in bed after a hectic day, that says that I am enough, despite my flaws. I had forgotten that love was supposed to kiss the nape of my scars and see me for who I am, knee deep in an anxiety ridden self, yet hold me close at the onset of dusk.
Love could have a million definitions, each springing from a different emotion. And of all words I could string in a sonnet, none could resonate my senses like your name; the syllables of your name sound like music to my ears. Maybe, because you dared to hold my hand even after reading the folds of my skin, the secrets printed on me like a tattoo one would regret after a drunken night. Because you grab on to my hands even when I fall apart every night, tossing and turning in bed when my eyelids don’t shut down. Because you don’t let go when the roads get tougher and the darkness comes descending like an expanding shadow.
This is how you teach me every day what love is supposed to feel like. You don’t spin elaborate lies and pass it off as vows of romance, but by your genuine and heartfelt gestures on a daily basis make me fall for you a bit more every day. You believe in me, us, and our dreams even when my faith runs wayward.
Love is supposed to be a safe haven, and in your arms, I found a home that I could only dream of. And I can only thank you, not just for mending a broken heart but for rebuilding shattered hopes and dreams. I can only wish for you to find in my arms, the same happiness that I find in yours.