Here you are, lying on my chest so peacefully. It’s the calm after the storm, another petty argument. One where yet another mountain is blown into a molehill.
Harsh things are said, many of which will never be able to be taken back. We reconcile. But not fully. Beau Taplin said it best: “Ultimately, the worst kinds of pain do not come from your enemies but the people you trust and love.”
You seem so convinced that this change in me is something that occurred overnight. There was a time that the slightest change in my mood would unsettle you — the thought of me being upset would rattle you. Years on, here we are, two strangers who had once fallen into each other’s arms under the oddest of circumstances.
How could a love that once burned so bright now be flickering? You stopped choosing me. Suddenly the bright lights of success beckoned you and you forgot the girl that stood by your side through your darkest hours. I have done my best to be your ally, the person in your corner.
In being a version of myself that was appropriate for you, I’ve dulled myself out. I’ve let myself be less so that you could feel like you’re enough. I’ve placed myself as the last priority so that you could feel good about yourself. It kills me to know that I’ve lost myself in the process of being the person that you so badly need.
I’ve become so eager to keep you happy that I’ve forgotten about my own needs. And so have you — I kept giving and you never forgot to take. Never did it once occur to you that I too had to be looked after.
Just as the sun will always rise, I hope that someday you’ll wake up to see that losing me wasn’t something that occurred instantaneously. It began when you prioritized everything above me, forgetting that I too needed a place in your life.
More importantly, this change in me came from you denying me a place in your heart. In that heart that I fell so hard for years ago, a heart whose kindness left me in awe. This was a heart once so big it made me believe in love and second chances again. But now replaced by a vacuous gaping hole, devoid of any emotion.
I’ve learned that while the heart wants what it wants, a bruised heart knows better than to go back to what broke it in the first place.
But I will no longer set myself on fire to keep you warm. I will always love you for the nights you spent holding me while I cried, and making sure I ate my meals on time. I hope to someday meet that version of you again.
Perhaps there will come a day where you are the right version of yourself and likewise for me, and maybe then we could restart our chapter. But until then, this is where our chapter ends.