I could feel it coming. I was trying to do everything that I possibly could to keep us together, but that never works when the effort is only coming from one side. You were already too far gone. Too set on your decision to let us go, to let me go.
You made up your mind a long time before you left me. I picked up on so many things you did, or stopped doing, and I knew we were coming to an end. You didn’t look at me the same way. I mean, you told me I was beautiful when I got dressed up or when I looked at YOU a certain way, but that’s it. I never caught you looking at me like you used to.
When I was raw and trapped in my own thoughts, I never saw you look at me with those eyes that you used to have for me. You never took pictures of us anymore. I used to feel like a prize. Towards the end, I felt like you didn’t even want to be seen with me.
I look back on the few pictures we had taken, and I see how unhappy you look. Was it because “you trying to make me happy” made you miserable? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you miserable for loving you so much and wanting the best for you. I’m sorry for acting like your mom because I care like she does. But I’m most sorry that you didn’t see it. I wasn’t trying to smother you even though I know that’s what you saw.
I know we’re young, and who knows if you ever even really loved me. But I do know that I loved you with everything in me. Hearing your name still makes my heart drop. But, you saw me as something different. Something tying you down to the ground when all I wanted was for us to fly into success together.
Everything I do makes me think of you and I wonder if you ever even still think about me. Every song I hear, I think of you. Every new place I discover, I want to share it with you; be there with you.
I’m not 100% sure when the day was that you decided to give up. But I know one thing. Don’t come back.
You destroyed a piece of me. A piece of me that I’m still hoping to get back. A big piece that was adventurous and loving and everything a lot of people look for in a girl. The kind of thing that makes a girl whole.
You’re not going to destroy me even more, breaking me down little by little because you think if you come back I’ll be in the exact same place you left me in. And if you loved me, even a little, you wouldn’t want to. You wouldn’t come back at all. Not because you’re being stubborn, like you are, and are waiting for me to make the first move, but because you’re thinking about me for once. Because you knew you hurt me and I of all people didn’t deserve to be hurt by you.
Instead you drew deeper and deeper into yourself while I kept falling for you. I wish you would have left me with an explanation, or maybe even told me that when you were leaving, you weren’t coming back. But I know that everything happens for a reason. I loved you more than I loved myself, and I won’t make that mistake again, because the whole time you were falling out of love with me. And even though parts of me saw it, I didn’t want to believe it. Now that you’re gone, you’re not here for me. But I will always be here for me.