The Wash Of Loving You


The brash sounds of morning crash through my brain as I slowly come to face reality. I was dreaming so deep and vividly, I thought I could feel your breath on my skin, what a wonderful haze. Don’t wake me up. Snooze.

I finally get out of bed and open my eyes to adjust to the shadow of my own body without you beside me. I stretch out my fingers and toes, adjust my spine and feel your fingers tracing every vertebrae. I get up and shower and the hot water cascading down me is nothing compared to your body hugging mine. I can’t stop thinking about you, you’re in every inch of my body, etched like ancient scripture on the walls of the pyramids.

My heart sings hymns from the divine as I say your name about a million times throughout my day. Where are you at 3pm when I’m laughing with my coworkers about something vaguely funny and not even mildly amusing? My day is a blur as I work like a busy bee but honey, all I want is you. I anxiously rush home in silence and sweet freedom as the words from my mouth cease to fall and my heart takes over. No more unnecessary speech for the next few hours, only feeling. Accepting your absence as a reality but not letting my feelings for you rot me from the inside out.

You see, the world tells me I need to distract myself from thinking of you, feeling for you and wanting you. So for a while I did. I took up hobbies I didn’t care about, talked to therapists that I didn’t want to say anything to and went out with countless people with nothing to say buy possessed just about every word to spit mindlessly out. Sometimes I feel like I am forever trapped in a world that is as plastic as the dolls I played with when I was a kid. But today, tonight, right now at 9:34 pm, I can’t deny you anymore. I refuse to push you out of my head or my heart. The feelings I am so deeply harboring are that of love. They encompass my purpose of being, this is why I was created. To connect, to feel everything, even heart break, and to not let it eat me alive. To give in to my natural tendencies, to fully feel without remorse and guilt. To not experience what I call an emotional hangover whenever I am being authentic and true to who I am. To free myself of the chains of preconceived notions and other peoples’ opinions.

You are never here when I want you to be and I get that. I understand that you are out and about, conversing and distracting yourself from feeling everything. But I can’t do it anymore, it’s too exhausting. I hate pretending like you don’t affect me and I hate even more that my love I so feverishly feel is seen as something completely reserved for you. It is my love, these are my feelings, they come from a place of connectivity, a place that I have orphaned for so many months.

I can’t have you but I already do. You are in my mind, my heart and my soul and I can’t put that on the back burner anymore. I know I’m not supposed to love you but I do. I worship the feelings you give me, the butterflies I get when I feel you around me and the thought of you thinking about me in a random corner of your day gives me goosebumps. I wish I could explain this to you but maybe it isn’t meant for you to hear. So I’m going to feel everything. I will honor myself enough to know that the more I push you out, the more my love will fight back against me so I surrender.

I give in to you.