I need to understand what you want from me. I need rules. I need boundaries.
I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what I’m doing. Are the games and mixed signals normal? Are there societal expectations I’m supposed to follow?
You don’t get to say “Honestly, I see us getting back together once the summer’s over” or “I wish I could just fast forward to twenty-five and marry you”. You can’t have both; you can’t be single, telling me to “move on” and also keep stringing me along. I don’t deserve to be a safety net in case you realize you made a mistake.
Am I supposed to text you when I get good news I’d been waiting for? If you call me drunk at two in the morning on a Saturday night, am I supposed to answer?
If nothing else, it’s just hard to break habits. It’s hard to allow someone to exit your life, or at least be in it differently, when they have become integrated into it so fully and you’ve grown accustomed to having them there in a specific way.
Am I supposed to hang on, or move on? Please don’t keep me hanging on just because you know I will. If you need time and space alone, I can give that to you.
Or do you want to get over it, forget it all together? Do you want us to stop talking until we are nothing but memories?
And if we stay friends, where is the line between friendship and feelings? Do we hang out on occasion? Do we do all of the things we love to do when nobody else is free? Because you still are one of my very best friends. You are not a bad person. I still want you in my life.
But I am used to kissing at every red light and reaching out to hold your hand without even looking or thinking.
Please understand that moving on comes in different forms. And just because I don’t go and instantly get a boyfriend again, it doesn’t mean that I’m hung up on you. Letting go doesn’t mean replacing you and falling in love with someone new. It just means letting go.
I will be okay. And ultimately, I am still happy.
Please let me be happy.