The Toxic Act Of Self-Destruction


One day you’re going to grow old. You’re going to scratch at your wrinkles with your thin fingernails and frown at the grey that pokes out of your colored hair. Or to be blunt you could die. Today, tomorrow, you could even die reading this.

The world can be too much. Please stay as long as you can. It would mean a lot to me. And when it is time to go, what are you going to leave us? What are you going to leave the world and most of all why are they going to care? I was told that art is everything- perhaps that is the utter truth but what art do you choose to leave behind. Don’t leave me with your forced art you created in the midst of trying to prove something. Leave me with something that couldn’t be hidden that clawed full force out of your heart, the art that shredded you to pieces and made you cry. One day when you’re gone they are going to pretend that they knew you and that you were their best friend.

So, tell them about you. Let them know who you were and what you stand for. What are you giving to us? What are the things that you DID live for? Give me a reason to believe in the things you say. Or give me a reason to hate you. I never want to feel indifferent. Provoke me, always give them a reason to care about your fixation, your mania, your infatuation, your obsession. Never force it we can tell when you’re being a fake. It’s called intuition.

You’ll meet people along this road. You’ll find them to be the most attractive and you’ll love them. They’ll bring out parts of you that you didn’t know you had hidden away. You’ll crave being close to them. A fire will ignite inside of you and that fire will burn. It will burn and it will drift away like smoke from your mind. You’ll meet those people along the way that you’ll adore.

Remember that just because you’re on fire that not everybody is here to stay. Appreciate what they have given to you but not every person is a forever. Sonder is a great word. I can’t tell you exactly what it means but I know it means that I understand we’re all living our own life. At this very moment somebody is eating breakfast, somebody is fucking, somebody is being murdered and maybe somebody is doing the exact same thing I’m doing. We get so entirely lost in ourselves. It’s hard to comprehend that at every moment of the day everybody is having non-stop thoughts.

We all wake up and face whatever our life has given to us. This makes it hard to trust but with all these thoughts going around you think maybe in some way, with at least one thing, we could relate to everybody here on this planet or any other planet you believe exists. I’ve been trying to avoid self deprecating words. I’ve been doing a bad job. I know the truth is that I’m just like everybody else. I don’t accept that though. I want you to know, I want you to understand, I want you to learn.

I really don’t know what it means to grow up. I know what it means to be composed and mature. I know what it’s like to lie. I know the word facade and veil quite well. I should be traumatized by everything but I’m not, I’m okay. I should be crying in my room, smashing things, breaking into cars. I am measured, I made it through. I could never doubt why I am like this. I know why I was put here. I was put here to help you. I just had to understand it all first.

Above all I know what it’s like to understand. This here is my peace offering. It doesn’t matter to me if you abuse drugs; don’t expect me to be shocked when you pull the powdered bag from your pocket. It doesn’t matter if you drink every night and puke every morning, if you can take ten shots and not feel a thing. I don’t condone it but I don’t condemn it. Just know you’re not fooling me. I know and I understand what it’s like to be hurt. I know what it’s like to hurt others when you’re in pain. I know what it’s like to ask for attention and what it’s like when you want to dissolve into the air.

I know this and because of that, I’ll be your punching bag. If you need to hurl insults, do it to me, I understand. If you lose your mind staying up and diving into your lonely thoughts going insane faster and faster I’ll stay silently with you, I’ll talk to you, I’ll listen. Or I’ll leave you alone; I’ll always answer the phone. Monday night at 3am, Sunday morning even.

I know how deliciously intriguing it is to play the bad guy. I know the power you get from saying you could never be fixed. I know what it’s like to love being called a fuck up. I know what you’re doing. I understand it. I’ve been hurt and liquid courage has led me on many bad adventures. I’ve been down the rabbit hole on trips. I’ve emotionally abused others; I’ve slept in others beds. I’ve had sex with people I shouldn’t have. I know masturbating gets boring and you want something more without the attachment. I’ve crept out of hotels, leaving somebody sleeping in the dark, to cry and have a cigarette. I’ve sat in another person’s bathroom, still and shaky and hating myself. Looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself, adding another layer to my mask. I am here and I understand.

I know you are hurt, I know the world has been cruel to you. I know you’re killing yourself. I know you’re attempting to find happiness at the bottom of your whiskey bottles and in your cigarette butts, in the form of powder and in the form of pills. I know it’s not there. You know it’s not there but know I understand. I’ve cried for hours and there’s been times I’ve been so numb that I haven’t shed a tear. We’re all young and we’re all learning and if you can’t understand that you haven’t learned enough.