If there is one thing I’ve become accustomed to (like most women single and my age) it is dick pics.
That’s right, the male anatomy in all of its glory (staged lighting and all). And it just so happens that if you’re dating — or swiping right every other night — you’ll more than likely receive a dick pic or two in your lifetime.
I don’t know what it is, but I must look like a woman that screams “Please show me your penis” (okay well maybe sometimes), but since I’ve had Snapchat, Instagram and everything in-between, I’ve received so many variations of cock that I’ve lost count.
Back in my good old days: when I was innocent, a virgin, university was my life and I wasn’t juggling a full-time job, I never thought that a man I hardly knew would send me naked pictures of himself for the sake of it. Apparently, men like to do that a lot. Random 40-year-old men, boys I just started talking to, and from the moment I made an online dating account (thanks Tinder), my inbox went from 0 to 100 real fucking quickly. It got to a point where I was too scared to open my Snapchat out in public because a guy could be sending pictures cooking breakfast one minute and be completely nude, fully erect and ready for a good old time the next.
It seems receiving phallic images from a man you’re interested in is more of an indication that he likes you back than him saying so. Oh, how times have changed. Whatever happened to shy glances across the room, selfies before work and getting to know each other through decent conversation. Now it is just like “hey, I think you’re cute here’s my schlong”.
I’ll never forget the first time I received one, I was eighteen and talking to a guy on Tinder for not even 12 hours before I got the show of a lifetime through my Snapchat. I kid you not it was the size of a 1.25-liter water bottle, I screamed (obviously). You never forget something like that. I wondered did all penis make you want to take out another form of life insurance? I was completely terrified.
As I delved around the twist of casual sex I understood what it was like to enjoy erotic images. For one I was older, and point two being I was receiving them from guys that were not strangers and I had some sort of a relationship with. It was arousing, not terrifying and I began to enjoy the thrill of it.
No one knows exactly why men send them, even when asked, they can never give an exact answer other than to show off their proud manhood. “Do whatever you want with it,” I had one guy tell me. What did he expect me to do? Drive down to OfficeWorks, have it blown up and put on canvas to display in my house to worship every day?
I was just as confused as the majority of women who regularly received them. Is this to compliment them or us?
In light of these questions, I put up a poll on my Instagram and have put together a list of the five rules of sending a dick pic, to men, by women.
1. Know your angles: There is nothing worse than receiving an unflattering picture, I’m sorry boys, but angles are just as important as anything. It can take an intimidating image from being unenjoyable to “wow I can really appreciate that cucumber”. Just like how women learn that when taking a selfie you tilt your chin up for optimum lighting, do the same with your member. You can always tell when males are more experienced in their picture-taking because it usually looks the same every time and the skill comes across. Believe me. Penises aren’t particularly the greatest thing to look at (don’t @ me) so if you want to send it round, research, study and learn how to make the most of what you’ve got. Still confused? Google a step by step tutorial, you’d be surprised at what you’d learn. Practice makes perfect.
2. Choose the right time: Timing is everything. It is the be-all and end-all if you want a woman to enjoy it. Now, this rules out sending those surprise pictures midday while you’re taking a study break because unless you know for sure she is alone, some random could be looking at your bird too. The last situation we want to be in as a receiver is at work with the brightness on full, opening one of your Snapchats and not being able to appreciate it, or in the car with our dad and accidentally opening your message, when he is sneaking glances over our shoulder. We’d rather not have to pivot our phones out the window to save our ass thanks (true story). So even if you don’t care who sees it, keep in the back of your head how you can ruin someone else’s life. If you don’t know when the right time is, try between 7-8 pm Monday to Wednesday when there is a high chance she’ll be at home. Or even better wait until the mood heats up. Maybe you’re flirting and she sends you something a little revealing, then do it. Start with the boxers and slowly work your way down to skin. That way it’s not so blah, making eye contact with Italian sausage. The safe option is to wait for the green light. I won’t deny it, I do enjoy some flash photography now and then, but there is a time and a place, there’s style and most of all there is consent. I don’t need some random man from another country asking me to be his wife after sending me 10 different pictures of his cock (one of which I am convinced was an inside view) when I’ve never spoken to him a day in my life. Also, you don’t want to be that guy that after a “hey” sends one. You break the bloody ice first at least ask how her day has been if you’re that keen to put on a show.
3. Make it pleasant – We don’t want to see it flaccid! (sorry, not sorry): I shouldn’t need to clarify this one. I think you get it. Be playful and engaging, and most of all have fun with it. Don’t make it feel like a chore, we get it most of the time you want something back, but at least set the mood. Most importantly, don’t pull a slinky. I never thought I would receive a “soft pic” until I did and that changed everything. Boys please if you’re going to send a dick pic, at least send something worth seeing. “Not a gherkin dwarfed by hairy potatoes…”
4. Know your angles: I cannot emphasize this point enough (re-read point 1).
5. Know your audience: Don’t send them if they aren’t wanted because you’ll be putting yourself in a situation that will only damage your ego, not increase it. If we don’t want to see your dick and we tell you this, please stop sending pictures of it. No matter how many you send: capturing different lighting, angles and hardness it won’t change a thing. If she doesn’t want to see yo dick boy take the hint. If there’s one thing about women it is that they don’t like to feel pressured in any aspect of sexual relations. There is a big difference between unsolicited images and those sent by someone you have that open kind of relationship with, and openly accept.