It seemed fitting to continue the trend of alcohol-related lists and provide a sequel to my “The 5 Drunk Girls Everyone Knows And Loves (Or Hates).” My girlfriends and I have seen these guys time and time again, sometimes avoiding them, sometimes following them. (No, we aren’t creepy, but we can sometimes be aggressive drunk girls when enough alcohol has been consumed—sorry, Mom). These guys may be our friends, boyfriends, or complete strangers. Nevertheless, these drunken monsters exist and they are here to stay. Try to enjoy them while you’re young, kids.
1. The Raging Bro Drunk
My goodness, there is nothing I love more than a raging bro at a frat house (somewhat kidding, somewhat not). This type of guy appears confident in his skin, talks to everyone, and will successfully accomplish 5+ impressive keg stands in under an hour. The volume of his voice is painful to listen to, yet we all accept it. The raging bro is normally extremely attractive, KNOWS he’s attractive, and works his bro-ish ways right into the heart and pants of a targeted female. This part of the night usually happens after hours of being with his other raging bros because, you know, they are bros and can’t leave each other’s sides. These ragers usually end up chanting “LET’S FUCKING GO” or something of that sort. I still don’t know if I hate or love this kind of drunk guy, but I do know that they are always present at every party. The raging bro is a breed that will never die.
2. The Sloppy Drunk
Girls, don’t you think this isn’t applicable to you, because it is. But the sloppy GUY drunk is really something else. After what seems like he has consumed an entire keg by himself, the sloppy drunk stumbles around the party, burping with the utmost class, and falling on virtually everything. There is also an 87% chance that vomiting may occur (that percentage is extremely accurate). The best part about the sloppy drunk is his persistent denial of his sloppiness. “Dude, I’m not that bad, give me the beer,” he says as he drops it on the floor and maniacally laughs at his clumsiness. Am I the only one who sees this? I feel like I’m describing every boy I have ever seen in a basement party. The sloppy drunk also hits on every girl at the party, much like the aggressive girl drunk (matchmaker, anyone?). The sloppy drunk will usually end up leaving covered in his own bodily excretions or escorted out by the authorities. What a winner. You keep doing you, sloppy.
3. The Violent Drunk
The guy version of this drunk isn’t nearly as fun as the girl version. The violent guy drunk is actually frightening and everyone hates him, regardless of his sober behavior. The night that he decides to throw a punch because, oh I don’t know, some guy merely glanced at his girl, the party is over. Everyone immediately shuns him, but there is that one lonely sacrificial lamb who attempts to put a stop to the senseless fight. My favorite, though—if it can be called a favorite—is when a guy says out of nowhere, “I need to fight someone right now.” It’s ridiculous—why are you fighting? Why do you want to punch something right now? Stop that. You are way too aggressive for anyone to like you. That girl you were with all night? She left a long time ago because you started punching your open palm and giving yourself a pep talk like a crazy person. The veins in your neck started to pop out with anger, and for what? No one even bothered you. It’s all fun and games until this drunk guy explodes and ruins everyone’s night and likely someone’s face. The violent drunk needs to reevaluate his life and possibly enroll in an anger-management class.
4. The Creepy Drunk
Ugh. This guy spots a girl from what feels like three miles away and will travel through the wilderness to get to her because he just “saw you looking so beautiful from where he was standing.” That’s not charming in the slightest, and it’s kind of scary. The creepy drunk can be synonymous with the clingy drunk. Once the creepy drunk finds you, he turns into the clingy drunk. Creepy stands just a tad too close, breathing his hot beer breath into your face. He most likely blocked his victim into a corner so his arms are creating a human prison cell. The girl he has held captive is shooting desperate looks to her friends and basically anyone at this point because she is that terrified of his next move. If you lie and say you have to go to the bathroom, don’t worry; the creepy drunk will follow. What a terrible feeling after leaving the bathroom thinking you ditched the creep, only to find him standing there waving at you to get your attention. Hey, creepy drunk guy: If you see this girl go out of her way—maybe if she crawls underneath people’s legs or over furniture to get away from you—that’s your cue. Take this as a life lesson. You’re done.
5. The Social Drunk
All right, who DOESN’T love the social drunk guy? I’ll tell you who—every girl who isn’t the one going home with him. The social drunk knows how to work a room—hell, multiple rooms at that. He is charming, friendly, and like the raging bro drunk, he knows all the right words to say to get into someone’s heart…and pants. Since he is not screaming profanities in your face, people may find this social butterfly to be a gentleman. He knows how to talk to guys and be their friend but can also turn around and make a girl fall in love with him in 45 seconds. It’s a gift that every guy (I’m talking to you, creepy) wishes they had. Even though the girls love him, I think it’s safe to safe every guy who isn’t his friend probably hates him. Why wouldn’t they? He has stolen the hearts of every girl at the party and there is no chance she is using the sloppy drunk’s shoulder to cry on when this socialite rejects her. But in the end, no one actually hates this guy. He’s fun and knows how to make other people have fun, even the anti-social kid in the corner who is secretly hammered. Here’s to you, social drunk! People kind of like you.