The 14 Emotional Stages Of Ordering Delivery
By Kim Quindlen
1. Hoping and dreaming of your fantasy food.
Today sucked. It was just the worst. By four o’clock, you’re over it and already thinking about what you’re going to do for dinner. You know you should stop by the grocery store and pick up some healthy things to cook, but on the inside, all you want is the feeling of sweet delivery.
2. Bargaining.
Slowly but surely, you start convincing yourself not to cook tonight. It’s late. You’re cold. You spent all day having to pretend to work when your boss walked by your desk. Steadily, you start planting the seed in your mind that, potentially, delivery might just be a good idea.
3. Praising yourself.
Eventually, you stop rationalizing and trying to come up with arguments as to why you have earned the right to order delivery. Instead, you have an intense inner monologue about how you WORK HARD and you DESERVE THIS. You’ve made it through a long week so far (even if it’s Monday) and you deserve to treat yo’self.
4. Embracing your inner sloth.
By the time you get home, you’re done bargaining and making your case. You made a decision when you got off the bus or out of your car that tonight was the night. You’re ordering that food to be delivered, whether it’s five or fifty minutes away.
5. Collecting accomplices.
Somehow, the guilt you feel for spending money and ordering fattening food is lessened when someone is doing it with you. Before you even decide what you want, you spend a decent amount of your precious after-work time (around eight minutes) convincing your friend or roommate to join you in your endeavor.
6. Choice distress.
So much food. So many types. So many options. You can’t even decide which app to use, let alone which restaurant you want to order from. You and your slothcomplice spend at least fifteen minutes freaking out and trying to figure out what you’re going to do.
7. Decision climaxing.
You’ve done presentations, debates, and full-out arguments. But you’ve finally decided on what you’re ordering. So much pressure and tension has built up to this moment, but finally, you hit that “complete order” button and feel nothing but release.
8. Painful anticipation.
You’re dying. All you want is this food. You check your clock. It’s been exactly four minutes since you placed your order. You find anything you possibly can to distract yourself – Netflix, reading, an emergency Rubik’s cube – whatever it takes.
9. Fear and doubt that your food will ever come.
It seems too good to be true. It’s been too long. Something horrible must have happened. They lost your order, or maybe the delivery person ran out of gas and now they’re waiting for AAA to show up and they’re a lifetime away from you. Your mind comes up with a series of terrifying reasons as to why this food will never get there.
10. Delivery and utter bliss.
It’s here. It’s everything. It’s all you’ve ever wanted. You just about kissed the delivery guy. The smell of your deliciously unhealthy food penetrates your place, and you feel like nothing will be better than this moment.
11. Forgetting to breathe while inhaling your food.
Self-explanatory, and easily understandable.
12. Seeping regret.
It’s not completely there yet, but you’re beginning to feel the traces of what will become serious regret. It tasted so good while it was happening, but now you’re starting to feel like a walking ball of grease and mistakes.
13. Tina you fat lard.
You can’t move. You are just the personification of lard, feeling exhausted and full and overfed and worthless all at once.
14. No apologies.
Once those initial horrible fifteen minutes of lardishness wear off, you stop feeling so regretful. You’re in a nice, relaxed food coma state, and you’re ready for bed. There are no dishes to clean up, everything is in the trash, and you’ve got some time to kill since you didn’t have to cook or clean anything. Delivery is the creation of the angels. And you’ll probably do it again tomorrow.