That’s How You Know It’s Not Real


It has been one of the most unexpected things to happen.

All my life I thought I am secure with who or what I am. Then you happened. Happened to touch my being. Happened to unintentionally shake the least tendency within me.

I fell. Or at least I was just about to. I don’t know. It was one of the most confusing phenomena of my living.

My mind and heart battled. Sometimes, the thinker wins, other times the feeler succeeds. There were a number of rounds. I just feel so tired. At one specific battle, the mind’s no match. Seemed like the heart joined forces with every other part of my body. Like how my fingers enthusiastically type ecstatic replies to you; how my facial muscles twitch upward upon seeing your name on my phone screen. Like how even the neurons in my brain push me to think of you. That was how powerful the heart became in that one battle.

However, after all those sweet memories that made it flutter, it appeared to face and accept defeat. No, the mind did not overcome it. It did not summon a great number of allies to conquer the battle against the heart. Rather, the heart itself retreated. It became so moved by what its owner feels – by what I feel.

My own cardiac muscle realized that it’s not it. This biological but emotional entity could no longer stand up for the battle. It can’t afford losing so much else fighting for something that is rather uncertain. It realized the unhealthiness of being in the war. I realized the unhealthiness of it. I retreated for good. Maybe there’d be future battles more worth fighting for.

I retreated. Of course, it hurt. I was hurt to a fair extent.

I saw how much more peaceful it was for me not to be concerned about how to keep our conversation going. So much easier to keep my mind off what could your reaction be. So much easier not trying to make you tell what you really feel about me. Damn, it was much more peaceful.

I realized that in this scenario, a war between the mind and heart won’t even turn up. It’s so easier for the both of them to be on the same road with me. Maybe the crisis is done. All that’s left is hope that I could stand this decision until things become okay. I hope and pray.