We’ve all met that one friend who makes us a better person just because we crossed paths with them. Whether they stay a minute or a lifetime, their mere presence in our life makes everything okay again, even if only for a moment. They make the pain you endured and all the tears you shed a little more bearable because they are always with you.
However, I spend most of my days living with an extreme fear of abandonment. I constantly wonder who or what I’ll lose next. I don’t need much, just a mere presence in my life so that I feel less alone. My abandonment is not about being alone or lonely, it’s about the fear of never having made a true connection with anyone.
So when I didn’t hear from you for three weeks, my fear of abandonment grew intense. My mind was a revolving door of doubts, insecurities, and questions, “Where did he go? Has he or hasn’t he? Why would he? Did I screw up?” So, when you finally called, I blurted out, “You haven’t bailed on me, have you?” to which you chuckled and assured me, “No, I’m still here.”
So, my friend, I want you to know that because of you, I don’t feel as abandoned.
My fear of abandonment makes it almost impossible to believe that I will find a love or friendship that will last the test of time.
Having said that, I’m also afraid that the moment you leave, I won’t ever see or hear from you again.
I’m afraid that if I don’t hear from you by the end of the day, you’ll have evaporated from my life.
I’m afraid that when I give into your wants and desires, you’ll ghost me.
I worry that when you really get to know me, you’ll make a beeline for the door.
I’m afraid you won’t have the staying power to simply exist in my life.
I’m afraid that you won’t take the time to sift through my fears and insecurities to get to know who I truly am.
Yes, I’m afraid that you’ll abandon me at a moment’s notice. I’m afraid that no matter what I do (or don’t do), you’ll leave.
But you’ve come through for me every single time I needed you.
You are the person who extends a helping hand when no one else will. You’re the one who tells me that this too shall pass. You’re the one who shares your dreams with me when I’m running low on creativity and even help me weave new ones. You’re the one who assures me that everything will be okay, knowing that it may not be. You step forward when everyone else takes a step back. You say to me, “I’ve got you,” and catch me when I fall. You’re the one who tells me I am strong and helps me carry on when all that I want is to collapse and surrender. You inspire me to carry on when your own tank is on empty. You say to me, “You’ve got this,” and encourage me to soldier on.
You are the person who doesn’t shy away when I’m at my worst but looks past my brave yet crumbling façade and draws closer. You are the person who makes me feel like I matter in this world so that I no longer feel marginalized by humanity.
Your presence is what I hold on to when my life goes dark.
So, my dearest friend, thank you for building a connection with me and sharing the wonderful person that you are.