You know a part of the reason I wanted to start my advice column, 99 Problems Solved, was because for some reason men and women always end up randomly confessing their issues to me. I can not tell you how many times I’ve been out to eat at a restaurant only to end up holding my server’s hand as they tell me all of their horrible love, sex, life and relationship problems.
No lie, at my daughters 5th birthday, our very pregnant, very underpaid, very unhappy Chuck E. Cheese server basically sat and cried on my shoulder while telling me about her shitty dude and her shitty job. I told her to fuck that dude, fuck that job, and that she had the power to get her life right. My daughter still tells everyone about, “That one time Mommy told the lady at Chuck E. Cheese to quit her job and SHE DID IT!!! Then the lady gave me like 50,000 free tickets! It was sooo cool.”
I usually have never seen these people a day in my life but for some reason I’m able to connect with people very quickly and very deeply and then commune with them as they work out the sticky, messy, yucky, bullshitty situations that period stain the big girl panties of our lives.
And I like that part about myself. And I like to think I’m kinda good at it. I try to give my “counselees” exactly what they need. Sometimes I just listen. Sometimes I’m very tell it like it T- I- IZ. Sometimes I’m the rah-rah-shish-boom-bah YOU CAN DO IT cheerleader. Sometimes I’m all new agey spiritual intellectual metaphysical fab. Sometimes I’m the shushing, love-smothering bosom that you just need to cry to into. But sometimes I’m all, “ OH HAYLE NAW Gurrlll — FUCK THAT!”
So today as a public service to all women everywhere I’m going to be the hell naw, FUCK THAT girl and tell you with nothing but I want the best for you tough loving firmness — STOP FUCKING DUMB DUDES!
Bubblegum bubblegum in a dish…
How many dumb dudes can you kiss…
Don’t do it, GIRL…
Don’t DO it, Girl…
Don’t DOOO IT GIRL…
DA FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, GIRL???
Frankly, I am tired of you wasting your life away in relationships with an endless succession of dumb dudes and then spending years of your life drowning your sorrows in Cheap but delicious Wine, Ben & Jerry’s, and general mediocrity because Spoiler Alert: some dumb dude fucked up all your shit. The only thing worse than fucking a dumb dude for a year is fucking his ass for TWO. LEAVE.
The rule is: Most dudes are dumb. But the kind of damaging dumb dude that you should stay 18 million bazillion feet away from will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS show you and 9 times out of 10 VERBALLY tell you, “Hey, baby, I’m dumb as FUCK.”
Here are some Code Words and Situations that CLEARLY Google Translate into “Hey baby, I’m Dumb as FUCK. Do Not Fuck ME”:
- The “I’m just not good enough for you” dude: He’s right. That motherfucker is going to pull some epically dumb shit on your ass that will have your self-esteem fucked up for YEARS. RUN.
- The “Forty-Seven Year Old still lives in his mama’s basement making beats and jamming with his band all day, I’m tryna make moves” dude: He will only move from his mama’s basement to yours. No way, GIRL.
- The “ I’m 1000% dedicated to my career workaholic” dude: Let’s do some dumb dude mathematics. Money over bitches equals you are always going to be the bitch equals LEAVE HIS ASS ALONE.
- The “ I am shitty to everybody but you” dude: First of all, if he is shitty to everybody around you then he is defacto being shitty to you and “Girl, will you look at the time! Its We Don’t Take NO Shit O’clock!” BOUNCE!
- The “All my exes are crazy psycho BITCHES” dude: Do you know why 99.9% of bitches are “psycho”? Because they fucked that dude! Do NOT let this EMOTIONAL TERRORIST put his P in your V. No, M’AM.
- The “I have a drug, health, alcohol, sex addiction or whatever problem and I will not get help” dude: If he will not treat his own mind, body, and soul with proper care, respect, and love, TRUST and BELIEVE, he will not offer you those things either. You deserve those things! HE GONE.
- The “I’m married.” dude: Girl, I will CUT YOU.
There are too many kinds of dudes to name them all here but you know EXACTLY the kind of dumb dude I am talking about. You have to PAY ATTENTION. There will be signs. Not all of them will be wrapped in big RED I’m a DUMB DUDE caution tape, but if you get that undeniable whiff of dumb dude bullshit from your dude work that shit like its Monopoly and DO not pass date two. DO NOT REMOVE YOUR PANTIES. DO NOT SLOB HIS KNOB. DO NOT move in, marry, or mama this dude. Just pack up yourself, your heart, and all your fabulous shit and GOOOOO.
Iyanla Vanzant says, “If you see crazy* coming, CROSS THE STREET.” But what do so many of us completely non-crazy women do when we see the crazy coming? We run toward the crazy! We chase AFTER the crazy hollering, “Oh, snap, girl, that’s my boo, he just needs LOVE.” We think we can heal him with our winning personality, magical vagina, and shiny hair.
First off, you can’t heal anybody’s crazy and you definitely CANNOT heal any dude’s dumb. NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE. And I know one of you is going to tell me about this one girl you knew that one time who’s dude was a total blaring DUMB ASS but he met her and flipped his life around and is #teamgoodassman and now they are totally living #teambarbieprincessdreamlife.
Oh, girl, you TRIED it.
First of all that never happens. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. That whole thing is an epic epic myth right up there with glitter unicorns and pain-free vagina waxes. IF! IF under the completely NONplausible far-fetched possibility that somehow that shit is true, he did not change his dumb dude ways because of her.
You see, dumb dudes are too dumb to say, “Gee Will-i-Kerrs, this completely awesome chick is totally into my dumb ass. I better get less dumb, recognize that shit A-FUCKING-SAP so I can keep her forever.” If that was true every one of you fly, single, awesome chicks reading this post would be loved on, wifed up, shacked up, or in whatever kind of happy healthy relationship YOU wanted with any one of those 900 dumb dude “true loves” from your past.
But you’re not.
Because committed dumb dudes are committed only to their dumbness.
So the special secret in this magical mystical MYTH is this now reformed DUMB DUDE was already at a point in his life where he had consciously or subconsciously decided to be non-dumb. He may tell you and every TOM, Dick, and Betty that it was because of you, but it wasn’t. It was because somewhere, somehow, he made a personal decision to work on whatever shit it is was that was making him be a dumb dude and healed himself into a good dude and her ass just happened to be there.
Now I want to take a moment and pause for the cause because I KNOW one of you lovely ladies reading this is like,” Oohhh! So I’ll just stay up under his ass FORever so I can be the girl who just HAPPENED to be there when he makes the switch from dumb dude to good dude.”
Cause the minute he does make that switch from dumb dude to good dude, he will walk RIGHT PAST you and your always been there, sacrificed your happiness for him, “I’m the one who helped him into good dude-dom” fabulously flawless self to that wack bitch behind you. That is EXACTLY what will happen. It is MAN LAW.
So listen girl. I know it sucks but you have to stop fucking Dumb Dudes.
Go out live your life, see the world, work on fixing up your own dumb broad-yness, get clear about what you want for your life, what you want out of love, set boundaries, take risks, take seats, and take solace in the fact that one day you will find a formerly dumb dude who is finally smart enough to make you his queen.
So let’s share dumb dude stories in the comments. Best Dumb Dude story will win, well, nothing but a big ole bucket o’ SistaTV loves you and, BABY ,it don’t get much better than that.
* My or Iyanla’s use of the word crazy is no way judging or labeling people with actual mental health problems. I am only referring to idiot dumb dudes and broads who are being assholes for the sake of being DUMB.
PS. I need more love, life, sex, and relationship problems to write about for 99 Problems Solved so send them to me HERE. NOW. KthnxBAI!
Senam SistaTV Amegashie spends most of her time waiting for someone to give her a TV show, already! While waiting for that to happen you can find her solving your 99 Problems with her advice column, blogging her life, and hawking her t-shirts at www.sistatv.com — and Tweeting @sistatv, Facebooking @sistaTV, Instagramming @sistatv and making hilarious SistaTV videos on YouTube. And remember SistaTV loves you!