I’ve been thinking about sex a lot lately. It’s rather uncomfortable.
I cannot help but feel like I am going through another puberty or that the sudden exposure to man-boys has made my naughty bits giggle sheepishly and attempt to make sexy eye contact with the nearest organism. These feelings were much easier to ignore at my high school where the male population was non-existent and the lone attractive male teacher would only be enough to garner a mildly excited whisper amongst the womenfolk. Sure some of the lucky girls at school would talk about their boyfriends at times but they were rare and fleeting and easy to ignore when I consoled myself that I would have my own man-friend in college. Plus, I would go home every day and live my nice fantasy world in the Sims (where I could woohoo to my heart’s content).
Now, in college, there is no time for the Sims and it’s much harder to ignore the opposite sex when they’re testing the durability of their bed springs with some girl in the room next to yours. It is weird actively knowing what sex is and wanting it to happen to you and then feeling guilty that you want it but still feeling, dare I say it, rather amorous anyway (I said it!). Sex previously existed for me in the same way that, oh I don’t know, rock climbing existed. It’s out there, you can do it if you want to and some people are better at it than others…That was a horrible analogy but my point is that it was a thing that I did not deeply think about unless someone brought it up. But now, I want to climb that rock. Quite frankly any rock, well no, maybe more like a nice slim rock with flat rocky abs and a good personality. I am filled with an odd sense of shock and jealousy when I find out that the people next to me have engaged in coital interactions. When did this transition happen? When did I go from talking to people about how jiggly bits (that’s the scientific term for ding dongs) are grody to being trapped in a conversation about which vibrators are the best to use?
I’m actually blushing as I write this. Oh at least to the extent that my skin tone will allow.
And the horrible thing is that I can’t talk to anyone about this. I believe that any mention of intercourse to the people I regularly hang out with will cause an immediate occurrence of crickets chirping and a quick change of subject to cupcakes or something. Perhaps they just pretending that they do not know about sex and do not want to know anything about it? I know that that’s what I would do. How am I supposed to cope with the fact that I really want to have sex with a dude but I feel that doing so would make me dirty or shameful? How am I supposed to cope with the fact that I honestly do not think that any guy is attracted to me and that this event is nowhere is my near future. Should I even be thinking about this at all?
There needs to be a class about this in high school-“How to Deal With Your Hormones When You Arrive At The Sexpot That Is College 101”. Maybe my sudden curiosity about sex stems from me feeling unattractive or feeling like I have set myself a time limit to find someone who finds me attractive and wants to do the nasty with me. I mean, I basically learned in school that boys were constantly horny animals that will have sex with anything with a hole…so why have I not yet been propositioned? I have the necessary equipment!
It’s unlikely that I will become so amorous that I jump the next dude I see but it really is bothering me. I hope it’s just because I’m ovulating.