We begin with the camera panning across an impeccably clean, spacious, and modern kitchen. Morning sunlight shines in through the windows, illuminating the room with a warm glow. Behind the counter, we see Nia Vardalos (what has she been in lately?), wearing a pearl necklace, probably a muted Ann Taylor™ blouse, and designer jeans. She looks comfortable, yet fashionable. Next to her, but bordering the edge of the frame a few feet away, lies a pristine box of Swiffer Wet Wipes™.
Nia: Ever since I was a little girl, my mother always emphasized the importance of culture and tradition. In my family, the cooking, the songs, the family rituals…all were rooted in Greek tradition. But the cleaning?
Upon the word “cleaning” camera zooms to Nia’s face. In turn, Nia skeptically raises an eyebrow, as if sharing a joke with the viewer.
We cut to a scene (filmed in Sepia) of a rustic Greek kitchen. We see a bedraggled old woman, dressed in dirty, traditional Cypriot clothing and worn Buskins. She is sloshing brown water across a dirty floor with a straw broom one might associate with a Halloween-themed novelty shop. After one particularly emphatic thrust of the broom, we see water splash up into the face of a nearby goat, who bleats a disgruntled Baaa.
We cut back to Nia behind the counter, the camera still zoomed in on her face. Nia lowers her eyebrow and playfully leans forward on the counter, as if to share a joke.
Nia: I beg to Swiffer.
With the words “I beg to Swiffer”, Nia slides the box of Swiffer Wet Wipes™ in front of her. She playfully smiles at the camera with a look that suggests a hint of smug bitchiness (because her career has really stagnated).
Fade to Black.
We cut back to Nia in the kitchen. However, things seem to have taken a drastic turn for the worst, as if hell had frozen over. The colors have flipped to their inverses, taking on the look of photo negatives. Her eyes, however, emit a beady, red glow, becoming brighter as the scene progresses. Her voice has been slowed to the point of dissonant gargling, dropping approximately three to four octaves. Nia lowers her eyebrow and playfully leans forward on the counter, as if to share a joke.
Nia (subtitled): I beg to Swiffer.
Immediately after uttering the words “I beg to Swiffer,” Nia opens her mouth, revealing the inside of her throat to be the image of a static television screen. At this point, a horrible, deafening white noise fills the airwaves.
Fade to White.