Recognition I Deserve For Ultimately Deciding Against Sending Specific Texts Late At Night


1. A strong, reassuring handshake from the governor of any state.

2. A proud Facebook post from my mother with a lot of exclamation points.

3. A clip package of me presented at the Golden Globes and set to “We’re Going to be Friends” by The White Stripes.

4. A guest appearance on an Emmy-winning episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations in which I show him around my apartment kitchen and make him a bagel-turkey sandwich from Trader Joe’s.

5. An all-inclusive stay for four at Atlantis Resort, filmed by the OWN network, followed by the airing of the Oprah-narrated documentary special about me and my accomplishments. This includes a video clip in which I am working at my barista job and a man in a suit walks in with balloons and a camera crew, revealing that I can leave this life behind forever, leaving me crying and jumping up and down a la Nikki Blonksy’s reveal that she had been cast in the film Hairspray at her Coldstone Creamery job. 

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