We all lose pieces of ourselves as we travel through different moments of our lives. We lose our spirit when we travel through the dark and unknown cave. We lose our innocence when we travel through the evil and toxic hearts of another human. We lose pieces of ourselves searching for that one thing that can lead us back home to our self.
You see, I lost pieces of myself searching for fame, success and extravagant moments to fulfill me. I lost pieces searching for a love that only I could give myself. I lost pieces searching for acceptance from all the wrong people. I lost pieces searching for a partner who accepted every single part of me, even the toxic parts, a family who never felt burdened by my depressive moments, a job that never ever burned me out. I have lost pieces of myself when I was high in the clouds and down in the sea searching for perfection, no matter where I was.
I have crawled and scratched my way back to redemption to then lose myself again. I have pleaded and begged, only to wake up with more pain.
But throughout it all, the only constant is me. The good is me. The bad is me. No one knows her like me.
I know when she wants something but the fear of loss holds her back. I know that her sensitive heart craves safety and stability. I know her innocent blue eyes struggle to forgive and struggle to let go.
I see her when she gets so excited that she jumps up and down. I see her when she’s battling in her own head and barely present. I see her when she gives up and screams because she’s desperate for peace. I see her contentment when she reads by the water. I see her when she loves with her entire soul. I see her when she puts on a fake smile to seem brave. I see her when she allows the pain to take over and lets the tears flow down her face.
I know her scars and I know her wounds. I know her triggers and the moments she feels unsafe. I know she feels out of place because her imagination often runs wild. I know she thrives in chaos and is weary of peace. I know she desperately wants to be loved but isn’t entirely sure what it is.
I know her temper and how she no longer feels in control when her heart needs to roar so that her mind can feel calm for just a moment.
I know her innocence and how she can’t help but blame herself for other people’s mistakes.
I know that her soul is kind. Her soul wants to be free.
I know that even when I feel like I lost her, she’s always there.