Raymond Chandler Titles If They Were Children’s Books


The Man Who Liked Dogs

One man lives alone in a dreary existence, until a soggy puppy on his doorstep reminds him of his childhood love for dogs. They grow old together.

The Long Goodbye

A loving single mother tries to put her 7-year-old daughter to bed for the night, but must handle requests for water, a closet-check for monsters, more water, a bathroom trip due to all the water, etc. – all of which spreads across 32 glossy pages in the most loving and mutually-appreciative manner possible.

The King in Yellow

In this sequel to the Emperor’s New Clothes, the ruler of a fairy-tale kingdom decides to dress entirely in his favorite color — yellow — rather than risk being embarrassed again. His paranoia grows, and he decrees that all his subjects must wear yellow themselves. In the end, he learns an important lesson about not letting his fear of losing control guide his life.

The Big Sleep

Fast Eddy, the world nap champion, wakes from his latest competition to find that a hundred years have passed. Only after a series of misadventures involving dinosaur clones, aliens, and a post-apocalyptic army can Eddy use his prize-winning trick, the “big sleep,” to teach the future world about the restful power of a proper sleep schedule.

Professor Bingo’s Snuff

This whimsical tale follows cousins Billy and Sofia as they spend their summer vacation visiting quirky Great Uncle Bingo, in a drafty house in Maine. They try to assuage his irritability with a rollicking trip across his property in search of his snuffbox, assisted by ghostly pirates and a talking, diseased coyote.

Noon Street Nemesis

Connor must face his fears, and his bully, at the stroke of the noon recess hour. Driven by the advice of his peers, the twelve-year-old eventually gains the courage to crack one of the bully’s ribs. He then takes up the bully mantle to terrorize his classmates for the rest of the year – teaching kids a valuable lesson about social Darwinian values.

Killer In The Rain

A ragtag group of neighborhood kids join together in a club to stomp on worms when it rains. One day, however, the ground shakes and a giant worm arrives to crush them all! In a surprising twist, the kids are self-loathing and welcome the sweet release of death.

Blackmailers Don’t Shoot

Little Jimmy’s attempt to blackmail a rising actress goes wrong when she is revealed to have seduced three mob bosses. Aided by a hitman, Jimmy struggles with gangsters, playing them against each other until all but the actress are dead. As he passes a steel factory outside her flat, Jimmy muses to himself, “The streets are dark with something more than night.” He disappears into the smoke.

The book closes with a double page spread of nothing but steel factory smog.