Do you remember the harsh words, the supposed tough love which carried more abuse than admonition, the look of rejection you gave me, do you remember how many times you made me feel unworthy of your love, do you?
Do you remember how many times I kneeled before you begging for your forgiveness both of rational and irrational offenses (most were grossly irrational), the list is endless but I’ll stop here. If you don’t remember then I do, I remember them like it were yesterday although the pain is healing but the memories remain.
There were questions I wanted to ask you then, I always wanted to ask you why you couldn’t love like others did, why your love had so many conditions attached to it. Now, those questions are history and my experience with you have become lessons upon lessons. Although, I must admit you do not bear all the blame for everything wrong in our relationship, I am also to blame because I allowed you run roughshod over me, I allowed you step all over me, I let you and that was the genesis of the abuse.
I am no longer bitter, am rather grateful because you’ve given me a clear definition of the kind of relationship I should never accept or even settle for again. Someday I might write a book carrying the stories of all my broken relationships and broken dreams, the relationship I shared with you might take up a lot of pages (who knows?), someday when those stories grace the sheets of paper I know it won’t be out of bitterness and anger but because I have healed and picked the lessons from all the brokenness.
So you don’t have to remember your put downs, your rejections, harsh words or the look of unworthiness you always threw at me when I fell short of your principles, I no longer hold any grudge, I forgive you for not knowing how to love me without conditions and selfish desires, I forgive myself for allowing me settle for your conditioned love. Now you are but a lesson, the relationship is a memory and will always be remembered as a slice of heaven and a bunch of hell. But above everything I want to say thank you for the experience which are lessons, for pushing me so hard to the wall because that led to my freedom and present journey to self discovery and self love.