Nobody’s Favorite: 30 Solidly Mediocre Things

1. Orange Tootsie Pops. Tootsie Pops are freaking amazing, but what are we even doing trying to bring citrus to the party? Who are we trying to kid?

2. Daniel Powter. “Bad Day” is a fucking masterpiece to break down to in your car when it comes on a random radio station at 2:17am. And I can get behind “Jimmy Gets High” I suppose, however, he is no one’s favorite artist. There are a million things wrong with you if he is.

3. “T-Shirt” by Shontelle. God, I love this song. Don’t get me wrong. But you’d be lucky to find 4 people who remember it, let alone passionately adore the power ballad. Ok even that’s too strong of a term for this song.

4. The movie Fool’s Gold. Pre McConauissance (how do you spell that?). Sure, Hudson + McConaughey vehicles are a “fun romp” in movie review language, but really, that’s not a quality film, and you should be ashamed if you have anything approaching fervor for that movie.

5. Middle seats on an airplane. Really, not that bad, you’re still flying in the freaking air! OMFG wow! But also, not the same as getting a window or aisle seat.

6. Mello Yello soda. I’m honestly always a little bit rooting for this guy, cause really, have you ever seen someone drink this? Do they even still make it, or are they just siphoning off a batch made in 1974 that’s slowly diminishing?

7. Tuesdays. I could kind of see people liking Wednesday (hump day, that one camel commercial, etc.), and Tuesday is certainly not as maligned as Monday, but no one really likes Tuesdays more than the rest of the days there are out there.

8. Michelle Branch. Love ya girl, but I think your time as someone’s spirit animal is done.

9. Other songs on Goyte’s album. Sure, I could have Googled their names, but really, what’s the point?

10. Bing. Sorry, Google won everything. And you aren’t even hilarious, like Yahoo Search or MSN, or my personal favorite relic, AskJeeves.

11. Michelob Ultra. Obviously the only reason people drink this because they can’t afford to splurge on real beer for the frat party, sure it’s no Natty Light, but it’s barely drinkable, unless you’re already drunk. The ultimate catch 22.

12. Branson, Missouri. Fine in theory — shoutout to the Dixie Stampede and Silver Dollar City — but come on, this is no one’s happy place.

13. Dave the Barbarian cartoons. Remember when that was a thing? Yeah, you probably don’t. That’s for the best. There’s a reason only 21 episodes were made. I can’t think of a reason 21 episodes were made, actually. They should have stopped at number three, four tops.

14. Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. How do you plan on explaining that to your children?

15. Three Musketeers Candy. Um. It’s just so… basic. And not in the new colloquial way. I mean there is no complexity of flavor. Sure it’s still got chocolate. We’d all rather eat one than a salad. But please. Get yourself a Snickers. Please. Treat yo self.

16. September. Welcome to mediocrity. Oh school’s going to start? Cool. Cool. Maybe the most exciting part is when

17. The WNBA. I mean… it’s fine I suppose. Nothing inherently bad about it, but have you ever met a fan? No. No you have not.

18. Topher Grace. I don’t even remember what the last thing he did was. And what is that name? Just a poor shortening of Christopher?? (Don’t correct me if I’m wrong, and no I’m not going to IMDB him to find out the truth). I suppose he was good enough in all the things he did do: That 70s Show, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, and ????

19. Arbor Day. This can not, in any way be someone’s favorite holiday. It’s an embarrassment of a holiday. A mockery of the holiday system. How did this become such a recognized thing when Chocolate Covered Anything Day exists? (Dec 16th).

20. Des Hartsock as the Bachelorette. Have you ever felt more tepid about a person? I haven’t!

21.Pastel yellow. Sure, it’s a fine color to buy a paint suit in if you are over 78 years old and about to go to a post-church, brunch, but other than that, there’s not much use.

22. John Tyler. That’s a president, guys. I’m not making this up.

23. Soup. Really? What’s the last time anyone was excited for a bowl of soup. It’s fine. It’s sometimes even good. But exceptional? No.

24. Ford Fiesta. Ok, it’s not a PT Cruiser level of offensive, or an Audi R8 level of arousing badass. It’s just kinda in the middle. Hanging out. There’s maybe one guy on earth who really, really loves himself some Ford Fiestas. But nice try on the fun name, Ford!

25. Idaho. Sorry guys, but not too many crazed Idaho fans.

26. Elbows. Just about every part of the body is in some way sexy to someone, but elbows… meh.

27. Sporty Spice. God. Sorry, girl. You got the short end of that stick. I got a barbie Spice Girl when I was 8 and it was Scary Spice and I still felt a bit miffed. But at least she had that great hair and the cool arm band. Sporty, you just had kinda meh hair and a bizarre number of crosses festooning your person.

28. Similarly, Miranda Hobbes. I’ve never seen Sex and the City, other than one horrendous episode for an economics class, where Miranda is pregnant and can’t stop farting. It’s gross. The rest of the ladies got glamorous plot lines full of sex and excitement and being whiny bitches, but not Miranda.

29. Golden Oreos. Let’s just not, ok? It’s not as bad as the Uh-Oh Oreos they tried to push on us, but they are every vanilla creme cookie ever, so… been there, eaten that.

30. Sprinkles. They are pretty and fun looking, I’ll give you that. But they don’t taste like anything unless you gobble a whole handful, in which case they taste very powdery and even chalk-like. Is that a thing you like? No. It shouldn’t be.