Love was never going to be good enough.
It was never about love for him. Sure, he had convinced me, others, and even himself that the feeling was “love.” He needed someone to love while he was away. More than that, he needed someone that truly loved him enough to remain loyal and faithful throughout a rollercoaster phase of life. He needed a constant that he could count on without having to be the same in return. In the end, it was what I feared most—he loved the idea of what I could be. He loved my potential.
It was that very fear that stalled me in my progress—the fear of expectations. The fear of the “conditions” of his love. And when my potential fluctuated throughout my depression, when his “idea of me” faltered, he could no longer convince himself that it was love. He discarded me and moved right on to a girl who had already proven her potential.
But I will not apologize for not being perfect, for not being the idea he had created. I will not blame myself. He will tell himself that he loves her, and he will believe it to be true, up until phases of her life cause an alteration in his idea of her. Because until he heals the brokenness inside of himself, until he believes HE is enough, no one will be enough. His idea of “love” won’t ever be enough because it’s absent of just that—love. It isn’t love. It isn’t enough.
I deserve to be loved in my current state. I am worthy of that. I deserve a love that does not deplete my potential but fuels it. I deserve a love that is not conditional on the consistency of my seasons. A love derived from the heart, not from image, status, wealth or sex. I deserve a love that does not diminish my self-love. I deserve a love that moves my winters into summers.
I am worthy of a love that I don’t have to question when I’m already in the midst of questioning my entire self. I am worthy of a love that supports my journey and enables my growth. I am worthy. I deserve real and pure love.