My Letter To Cosmopolitan Magazine


I recently purchased a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Normally I don’t buy Cosmo, but the May 2012 edition was “The Sex Issue” (really straying from the norm) and I thought it would help spice things up with my longtime boyfriend.

To no surprise, I was disgusted and offended by their sex tips. Particularly this one:

Try placing a donut on your man’s shaft. Then go down on him while slowly devouring the tasty treat. 

I was so upset after reading this that I wrote a letter to the editor… AND THEY RESPONDED!!! 

First, my letter:

Dear Cosmo,

I was very disappointed in the May 2012 “Sex Issue” of your magazine. I felt that your sex tips were exclusionary to people like me and my boyfriend. People with food allergies.

The tip I found most upsetting was “Try placing a donut on your man’s shaft. Then go down on him while slowly devouring the tasty treat.” You see, Cosmo, I have Celiac’s Disease, which means I can’t eat wheat flour, the #1 ingredient in donuts. It’s tragic to think of all the ways this negatively impacts my sex life. Not only will I never be able to eat a donut off my man’s member, but bagels are out too. Same goes for pretzels or hot dog buns. What about cheerios, you ask? No way, I’m allergic.

It gets worse. My man is lactose intolerant. That means we also can’t follow your advice about covering my breasts in whipped cream and rubbing them on his face. Please help those of us with food allergies. You’ve ignored our needs long enough. 

Gluten Free Girl & Lactose Intolerant Lad

Now, Cosmo’s response:

Dear Gluten Free Girl and Lactose Intolerant Lad,

We apologize that you felt marginalized by the sex-tips included in our May 2012 issue. To amend for our oversight we offer some alternatives below:

1)    Try covering your body in his favorite Dairy-Free, Gluten-Free food and wait for him naked in your bed. Turn your bed of love into a bed of lettuce or a bed of potatoes.
2)   Try wrapping cold cuts on his johnson. Then, turn up the heat by going down on him. Tear the meat off his member while also satiating his sausage.

Cosmopolian Magazine.

Well, this was clearly an outrage. So I wrote a final letter:

Dear Cosmo,

Thanks for your timely response.  Unfortunately, it didn’t help at all. That’s right, I’m a vegetarian. I won’t be turning my boyfriend’s sausage into a meat-stick anytime soon. Thanks for trying, I guess. 

?Gluten Free Girl

PS: Your magazine is really heteronormative.

I’m still waiting to hear back.

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image – This one is Bob.