My Interview With A Lesbian


The following is an interview with a close friend who agreed to sit down and answer my ridiculous questions regarding gays and lesbians. These questions are meant to be ridiculous— satirical, even— to point out the absurd line of thinking many people have in regards to their fellow human beings. The questions stem from a wide range of subjects including my own random questions that may have nothing to do with anything. For background information, she is a Christian and ruefully attending Liberty University.

Q: Do you believe being gay is the new black and if so is Harvey Milk your Martin Luther King Jr.?

A: God I hate to say yes to this. But yes. It’s a personal trait you don’t choose, but are born into… I can’t compare them apples to apples, so to speak, but there are similarities. Both groups have been targets of hate crimes, judicial inequities, and general fear for decades. All of which stems from the common factors of ignorance and societal propagation. As for Harvey Milk, no, Martin Luther King is my MLK of choice.

Q: Do women have a place in the military other then the mess hall?

A: Oh yes. Absolutely. Women have a place doing anything they want to do, and are physically capable of. There’s a lot of discrimination, sure. But a lot of the jobs restricted from women are too physically demanding or in another way unfit for women to do. I totally champion women doing anything they’re capable of, though, be it cooking in the mess hall or shooting grenade launchers in Afghanistan.

Q: Aren’t women/gays too sensitive to serve a position in which they will be fired upon though?

A: Nah. Any woman or gay man who willingly put themselves in that position is a bad bitch who will MURDER you if you threaten their life, limb, or manicure. But seriously, I think almost everyone is too sensitive for that… the manliest, strongest men I know were damaged by those positions. It’s not restricted to women or gays.

Q: Should gays/lesbians be allowed to marry like true God-loving Christians?

A: Marriage isn’t a religious institution. I wish religious people would get over it. It was never about love, it was about property. It still is! Marriage is a contract formed by the state wherein you agree to share and acquire each others’ property. You might promise to love each other in your vows, but I don’t think that’s actually listed as a requirement on the marriage certificate. A legal marriage is not religious; it’s a contract like any other. A social marriage, committing to love and honor each other, doesn’t HAVE to be religious. Atheists get married every day. So in conclusion, YES gays should be allowed to marry. If someone has the balls to tie themselves and their bank accounts to another person, no matter what religion they are, they should get to do it. Christians don’t stop people of other religions from marrying right? Homosexuals can enter into any other kind of contract, this shouldn’t be different.

Q: Since you believe they should be allowed to marry does that mean you hate small business? Gays/Lesbians are great cheap labor after all and they have no families to include on their insurance policies.

A: I’m a huge fan of small business. I’m a business owner myself, as is my whole family. Straights can be single and cheap, or married with ten kids. Once again coming back to, it shouldn’t have to be a gay v. straight issue ever. The overall cost is the same, if marriage rights are equalized or not.

Q: When you see signs that say: Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! Do you secretly doubt your life choices or laugh at the fact that they are promoting incest?

A: (Laughing) I never even considered the “promoting incest” part when thinking about the Adam and Steve conundrum. But nah, insecure people hiding behind a Bible don’t make me doubt a thing. He also said a lot about not touching pork but I eat the crap out of bacon.

Q: So people shouldn’t take the Bible so serious then? If so do you think you could handle the repercussions such as businesses being open on sundays, people eating things from the sea without gills or fins, women speaking openly in church, or farmers being able to plant more than one kind of seed?

A: People can take the Bible as seriously as they want. But I wish they’d get some education on it before they did. The things you just mentioned are all components of the “old covenant”. It’s meant for ancient Israel. I won’t bore you with the hermeneutics of Leviticus. But Jesus’ death on the cross was the termination of the old covenant, and the beginning of a new one. You know the rules of His new contract? “Love God, and love each other as much as God loves you.” The end. I take that seriously. (Pause) I think GOD mentions homosexuality twice(ish) … the rest were reiterations by disciples. Who were, ya know, people like you and me. Capable of propagating their own opinions and capable of errors. But then again, a common rebuttal to that statement is that PEOPLE wrote the bible so God might have never even said it those first two times.

Q: When Newsweek proclaimed Obama to be the first Gay President did you get excited?

A: I’m excited that he supports gays, but it doesn’t matter much since it is, for the moment, still a state issue.

Q: George W. Bush believed, and probably still does, that gays/lesbians are a threat to family values is that true? Do you and your fairy foot clan of sinners stalk families from the grocery store to their home and watch them eat dinner and break in and begin going at it?

A: Of course we’re not a threat. Then again, I don’t know what “family values” is defined as, so maybe I’m part of the problem after all. But I manage to raise my daughter to be fantastic, intelligent, compassionate, and a leader among her friends, while kissing girls in my spare time… So I think the fiber of the American family is safe if other people are doing comparably well.

Q: Finally, what message, if any, do you have for people who are coming out of the closet or think they might be gay?

A: Well, I think I’m paraphrasing Ellen here but no one can insult you by restating what you’ve already said. If you come out, you’ve owned your identity and they can’t–intelligently– use it against you. It’s like diving into cold water. Just do it, and it will probably be shocking for 5 seconds and then you and the people you tell will warm up and get the hell over it. And if they don’t then they are, as Jim Jeffries would say, a dumb cunt.