My Friend, My Lover, My Karma


She was unstoppable, unreasonable, and a little bit crazy. Yet everyone seemed to fall in love with her. Every man she encountered became obsessed with the idea of her. She never understood why, she did everything in her power to make guys hate her. She did not want anyone to love her, she did not want anyone to give her the time of day. The more she tried to make them fall out of love with her, the more they clinged on. She was a free spirit with an enormous love for life and a strong passion to live. But she was too selfish to share that love with anyone else. But what happens when she falls in love?

What happens when everything she has avoided her whole life suddenly comes crashing into her life, unexpectedly, taking her breath away. Friend, lover, or foe, the feeling is the same. She loved all 3 of them equally, three souls merged into one person, driving her heart crazy. What does she want? What does she need?

Is it worth the pain, is it worth the heartache? The girl who ran around breaking boys hearts, the girl who never let her guard down, the one who had walls built up so high that no one, not even herself could manage to get over it. Her whole life, she pretended to not care, she acted like she never wanted to be loved. When someone would love her she would run, run so far away that she did not know how to come back. She did not know who she should come back to; she did not know who she would be when she came back. Was she the same person? Or was she her alter ego for the night again? Then she came back; refreshed, ready to break another soul, ready to stomp on a man’s heart, and ready to run.

She was clumsy, broke everything she walked by and made a mess of any perfect situation. She never thought before she spoke, and she had no filter what so ever. She spoke her mind, laughed too much, and at times too loud. She is never on time, she’s a huge procrastinator, and not so much of an overachiever. Living in her brother’s shadow since the day he came into this world, she still managed to dance in her own show, even if it meant that no one attended. She was a perfectly flawed human being, with no intentions to change; until he came along.

She was content running away, she loved it, it was all she knew. Growing up, when her parents fought, they would grab their stuff and leave. When there was controversy within the extended family, her family would pack their bags and move to another country, but one thing was always common with them, they always came back. They never solved their problems, they pretended it never happened and would try to start over in a new place, never thinking that the problems would always follow. Like a drug, the feeling of not feeling, of not thinking about how that certain situation felt was amazing, but once it was out of your system, you are forced to relive everything once more. He was her drug, and she kept coming back for more. She did not want to nor did she know why; all she knew was that his happiness, meant more to her than anybody else’s happiness, including her own. One day he was her friend; the next her foe, and at night her lover. Many times, he was all 3 at once. She did not understand where he came from, or why he came into her life. She begged for an answer, begged for him to get out of her life, because she did not want to hurt him. She did not want him to leave. For the first time in her life, someone came into her life that she so desperately wanted to keep around. She was terrified, confused and angry at herself. How could so many years of perfecting this huge wall just suddenly be not worth it? How can so many years of running away and breaking hearts suddenly matter to her? Why did she care so deeply, and why did she care so much about how she made him feel? This never happened, and it shouldn’t have. Then she realized that he was her karma.

He was just like her; stubborn, crazy, and all over the place. It was like she was looking into a mirror. It was like he was put into her life to make her realize how she made other guys feel. He treated her the way she treated everyone else that cared about her. He manipulated, loved and took his anger out on her. This was something that she would never, in a lifetime, tolerate. But with him, it was all she knew, it was all she could feel, it was patience. She cared deeply about what he thought about her, she wanted to so badly, to make him love her. Why? She had no idea. She never cared about love, she never cared about anyone loving her, and she would push them away. Just the IDEA, of someone wanting to love her made her nervous. She would force herself to try and fall in love, but she was never successful. With him, she had no control of her emotions; she had no control at all on how she felt or how to approach the situation. She was vulnerable again, and this time, she secretly wanted to be.

image – eioua