Whenever guys used to ask me questions like, “How far have you gone” or “How many guys have you slept with,” my hands would get awkwardly clammy as I struggled to find the right answer.
- A woman who hasn’t done anything sexual is a prude.
- A woman who’s done it all is experienced.
- A woman who hasn’t had sex is pure.
- A woman who’s had sex with many people is a slut.
- A woman who gives sexual favors but says no to sex is a tease.
So which one of these sexual personas does he expect me to be? To avoid answering these questions, I usually either change the subject abruptly to something irrelevant (like the weather…yawn) or, when anything edible is in sight, I feign extreme hunger and shove food into my mouth.
And then one day it dawned on me: there is no right answer.
There’s only a relative answer to questions like that (asked by men like that…*shivers*). I’m either a slut or a prude depending on how far he has gone, how many women he has slept with.
And then I realized something else: I’m not obligated to answer questions about my sexual history.
Despite the progress women have made since the Victorian era, we are still critically viewed – and judged – as sexual beings. This is especially true for women who are 20-something and single.
My sexual history — whether it’s filled with one-night-stands or whether it’s filled with girls-only slumber parties watching Sleepless In Seattle in footie pajamas — is nobody’s damn business. I shouldn’t be ashamed of it nor should I have to apologize for it.
Also (here’s the kicker), my sexual history says absolutely nothing about me.
So men, the next time you take a nice lady out for bagels, here are a few questions you should and shouldn’t ask:
Don’t ask how far she’s gone in sexual favors — ask how far she’s willing to delve into conversation.
Is she a cat person or a dog person? What are her political views? How many siblings does she have? See if you can you hold a conversation with her long enough to find the answers to these questions.
Some women will divulge their life stories to anyone; others will remain shy and reserved, only speaking when they have something invaluable to add.
Both types of women are interesting. Both are worth listening to.
It may surprise you, the things you can learn about a woman just by sitting down and talking to her. You’ll uncover intimate details that her sexual history could never reveal; what makes her tick, what she finds repulsive, what turns her on, what excites her.
Don’t ask how many men she’s slept with — ask how many countries she’s traveled to.
Is she passionate about different cultures? Does she lust after the way the sun sets on the other side of the world? A woman who enjoys travel is a woman constantly seeking knowledge and adventure. She has an open mind, and she’s not afraid to try weird food. (She’ll even order it in the native language despite the butchered pronunciation.)
Truth be told, she’s not really afraid of anything.
If you’re looking for a woman with experience, look for a woman who’s been places and seen things. Look for a woman who’s traveled or has intentions of traveling.
Lastly — and most importantly — ask for a woman.
It’s pretty disgusting when men look for women who “know what they’re doing” in bed. If a good toss in the hay is what you’re looking for then you don’t need a woman. A sex toy will do just fine.
Women are human beings. We have far more to offer in our relationships with men than merely our sex appeal and ability to give blow jobs.
On the opposite end of the spectrum there are the slut-shamers, men who hold this uppity standard of “purity” as though a woman’s virginity is the only lovable thing about her, and the moment she loses it, she is somehow dirty or not good enough. If you perceive virginity to be a woman’s only redeeming quality, then you should reevaluate your definition of Goodness and Beauty. (Do this before the bagel date. Or any date.)
Ask for someone smart and sensitive, with a funny side she rarely shows. Or ask for someone radiant and outgoing, the type who lights up any room she steps into with her effortless grace. And don’t ask for perfection, because you won’t get it. Ask for the person you want next to you when you’ve had the worst day, and the only way to fix things is to order pizza and watch Fresh Prince reruns. Ask for a best friend.
Ask for a woman.