I want to fall in love and be in love now. I want to be in a relationship with someone. I want a love that is true, a love that touches my soul. A love that makes me believe in forever and happy endings. I want the love that everybody’s going crazy about.
I want to experience the joy of having someone to share your special moments with. I want to make that special someone smile. I want to surprise him on his birthday. I want to meet his family. I want to feel the warmth of his hands on mine. I want to kiss him when he least expects it. I want to try ‘Netflix and chill’ with him. I want us to quarrel and get over our differences. I want to make our days filled with simple gestures of affection. I want to plan the rest of my life with him. I want to be with him. I want to meet him.
But then again, maybe I’m not ready for him.
I see countless of couples breaking up. I see a lot of dead eyes, and a lot of fake smiles, and a lot of unshed tears. I see lost sparks and ruined friendships. I see broken commitments and broken hearts. I see relationships that look more like an obligation and a responsibility rather than something that they are happy to be a part of. I see couples forcing themselves to hold on because either are too scared to let go – even if that something was already making both of them bleed. I know love always comes with the risk of any of these, but it still scares me.
I want to fall in love but I can’t seem to make myself vulnerable to someone and be prepared for him to hurt me.
So maybe I’m not ready for love after all.
And maybe he isn’t either. Maybe that’s why he isn’t here yet. Maybe I need to wait a little more.