Live-Blogging The Oscars


Get ready for three hours of sequins and bullshit. It’s the Oscars! I’ll be your guide into the perilous world of couture gowns, indulgent acceptance speeches, and James Franco so buckle up! Shit’s gonna get real weird.

8:23– Hey guys! I’m feeling very hungover right now after last night’s reading series. Were you there? If not, DON’T TALK TO ME. It was so fun and thank you to everyone who attended. Anyway, let’s watch this shitshow called the Oscars. I have a feeling it’s going to be very strange this year.

8:27– Thank God the red carpet is ending. Why doesn’t anyone ask ME what I’m wearing? For the record, I’m wearing Regret by A.P.C. and my pants are Depression by Alexander Wang.

8:35– Um, my friends just rewinded it so there’ll be like a 3 minute delay to everything.

8:37– It’s just a fact that Alec Baldwin makes everything funnier. Also, Ambien is always hilarious.

8:39– Anne Hathaway in an eye patch is funny and I don’t know why.

8:41– James Franco’s ass in ballet attire is the reason why the pause button exists on DVR.

8:43– Revelation: James Franco looks more stoned in HD.

8:45– The Oscars are my favorite movie.

8:49– Tom Hanks, we don’t have time for Titanic. We also don’t have time for an award for Art Direction.

8:53– The dude who won for cinematography is having a nice “glasses resting on head” moment.

8:56- I was going to say something snarky about Kirk Douglas arriving to the Oscars in a spaceship, but I can’t. He’s like going to die in 3, 2, 1…

8:59– Wouldn’t it be funny if James Franco was replaced by Kirk Douglas? No, it wouldn’t.

9:02– Kirk Douglas made a joke to Melissa Leo and was quickly escorted off  the stage. In other news, Melissa Leo is giving a strange acceptance speech.

9:04– Did Melissa Leo just say “fuck” and proceed to use Douglas’ cane?

9:09– Celebrities are so socially awkward at the Oscars. It’s kind of endearing actually.

9:12- So far, the best moments have been anything Kirk Douglas has said and Melissa Leo being a weirdo freak.

9:14– It’s so cute when Javier Bardem speaks English.

9:16- Time for a real moment: Aaron Sorkin definitely deserved the Oscar for Best Screenplay.

9:17– What’s up with the dramatic music being cued during inappropriate moments? He’s giving his acceptance speech. Back the fuck off.

9:20Inception needs to be deleted from the Oscars. Also, did anyone see The King’s Speech? I couldn’t commit. But I love how the writer didn’t know where the microphone was.

9:27– Anne Hathaway actually has an amazing voice. It’s a great appetizer for the “singing performance” of Gwyneth Apple Moses Paltrow.

9:32– I like Reese Witherspoon. But I don’t think Reese Witherspoon likes Reese Witherspoon.

9:33– Mark Rufalo is the older version of James Franco. True/False?

9:36– I felt so “whatevs” about Christian Bale in The Fighter.

9:38– That being said, I love a good “grown man crying” moment.

9:40– Anne Hathaway just can’t stop switching dresses. Also, it should be noted that James Franco has been M.I.A. for a hot minute now. Maybe he’s cramming for his Abnormal Psych test.

9:43– Close up shots of celebrities’ faces make this so worth it. A camera should be put on Celine Dion at all times.

9:45- Trent Reznor winning an Oscar is the best kind of mindfuck.

9:47- Matthew McConaughey’s face is in a weird place right now.

9:51– Everyone is sucking Christopher Nolan’s dick. Like, he’s gotten 10,000 BJ’s.

9:53- This Celine Dion commercial was really funny until it became about cancer.

9:54– James Franco can only convey two things: Confusion and sexiness.

9:56– Cate Blanchett gets it. Her dress is very 2011 with a hint of 2012.

9:59Alice in Wonderland won for Best Costume Design? Bye.

10:01– Wait, this painful acceptance speech makes it worth it. There goes the cue of that rude music!

10:04– Why is Randy Newman performing? Where’s my macrobiotic diva, Gwyneth?

10:06– Mandy Moore looks stunning. Too bad she’s Mandy Moore 🙁

10:09–  I just ate ten Oreos and 20 dumplings. This has nothing to do with the Oscars but, it also has everything to do with the Oscars.

10:13– I get exhausted just thinking about the concept of James Franco.

10:15Strangers No More won for Best Documentary Short? Thank Jesus! I can stop watching now. It’s a wrap!

10:17- Wait, this guy who’s winning right now is actually 19.

10:19– Auto-Tune at the Oscars? I can’t. Well, maybe I can.

10:21– Oprah at the Oscars needs to be a regular thing. “When things are bad, we go to the movies…and stress eat.”

10:22– I wonder if Oprah gets an Oscar for presenting an Oscar.

10:27– Billy Crystal at the Oscars is proof we can bring dead people back to life!

10:30– I don’t care about any of this Bob Hope business. When are they going to deliver their montage of dead people?

10:32– Jude Law’s hair loss is possibly the most devastating thing to ever happen to anyone ever.

10:36– There’s less than an hour left and the Oscars haven’t even started!

10:43- I love when they have presenters to present presenters.

10:45– Gwyneth sings exclusively in “twang” and “bullshit.”

10:47– Randy Newman needs to be buried. He seriously has the Oscars by the donkey balls. Wait, do donkeys have big balls?

10:53– Celine Dion singing to dead people. Stop. Don’t stop. No. Yes. Maybe.

10:58– Don’t front, Halle Berry. You hate the Oscars. Winning for Monster’s Ball killed your career. It caused Gothika, Catwoman, and everything else she’s starred in since.

11:03– Hilary Swank is such an interesting celebrity. She’s only starred in two good movies, both of which she won Oscars for, and everything else is crap. I’m also getting vibes that Anne Hathaway hates her, but maybe I’m just being paranoid park.

11:05. David Fincher and Darren Aronofsky have been robbed. Someone please call the police.

11:09– James Franco needs to go back to Mars where he’s doing scientific research and also filming a romantic comedy with Tilda Swinton called, Down 2 Earth. Um, what I just said is a lie.

11:13– I want Jeff  Bridges to be my grandfather.

11::15Rabbit Hole was one of the best movies of the year. Nicole Kidman even makes an expression in it.


11:22– Oscar winner Sandra Bullock just sounds wrong.

11:26– I would just die if James Franco won for Best Actor. Does he even know he’s at the Oscars? Oh, wait. He just lost.

11:27– What if you won and just vomited at the podium?

11:33– I have twelve minutes of battery left on my computer and no charger. CHOP CHOP, OSCAR!

11:37The King’s Speech wins Best Picture? Fuck you. Bye.

11:38– I’m serious. I really have to go. My computer’s dying.

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