Oh how many times have I thought of apologizing and telling you to take that goodbye back! Your ‘okay. Goodbye. Have a good life’ felt like the beginning of a bad life. For a few months, I’m going to want to text you and apologize. I will want to take my words back. I will want to rewind and tell you how it hurt to keep yearning for you, knowing yearning is all it’ll ever be and yet wanting to let it be that way. I will want to take my words back even if this hurting will get worse.
I will not do that though. I’m supposed to be the strong, independent and determined woman who has no place for this kind of love. I’m not even sure if it is love. If it were, I wouldn’t be able to ask you to cut me off, right? The pain in the left of my chest would have been severely unbearable. If I’m able to think, make sense of what is good for me, I’m still not at that border line love that makes one jump the cliff. I do know that If I didn’t make you cut me off now, I’d be there soon though.
Hey you, I need to tell you how irresistible you are to me. But then, you probably already know that. With the list of countless women telling you that already, I will save my pride and let your list have one less. You won’t even notice. I almost wish there was no feeling describable as envy. I wish you never had told me how I was just one of those countless women who felt the same way I felt about you. It makes my emotions feel like dirt, like particles of sand that are so many that a single one of them holds no value, that even if it slipped away from your fist, won’t be noticed. I don’t want to be one of them. If I can’t be the only one, I will gladly take being no one to you. Well, not really gladly, but preferably.
You, with that combination of your brain and body are a soul like no other. Your charms are easy to be wooed by. Our first banter was longer than most my conversations in the last decade but I knew that came easy to you and happened often for you. You are a talker. Your words and voice can alone captivate a barren heart, I am still after all a woman who has been struggling to subside her emotions but is far from the finish line. I keep slipping down that steep hill knowing you wouldn’t catch me. Your brutal honesty is more enticing though I do wonder if you know this trick works best. It certainly did work to draw me towards you, gave me the thrill of the chase. I still wonder if it has been this thrill all along and that I’m tired now of not getting anywhere in this chase. Maybe, this is what is making me want to be cut off. I don’t know. All I do know is, it hurts.
You, your hands have the tender magic. I keep wanting them every now and then. That every now and then has been happening too often. My thoughts wander off to the unattainable land far away. If my being could be satisfied with ‘just’ these thoughts, I’d have been content. If just your touch could have been enough, I’d have been content. But nothing is enough about you. You make me helplessly greedy, the kind of greed I couldn’t conquer no matter what I did. I feel helpless with desire and I’m yet to learn to be comfortable being helpless. I crave your mind more than the you that is made of dust. I crave to tell you how my day has been. I crave to tell you every new reason I think of to explain things that have been unreasonable to me for the longest. I crave to tell you how many times people pissed me off. I crave to tell you my dreams and my aspirations. I need you to tell me how people will always be piss offs. I need you to tell me I need to aim higher. I need you to tell me how I’m enough for me, but hey! you can’t tell me that when I need so much of you.
You, please know I have to ask you to cut me off. I could do that myself but without you knowing that this is to happen I risk jumping every time my phone beeps. I risk feeling the all too familiar shiver running down my spine when your text tempts me to want your cuddles. I risk knowing more of you and wanting all of it. I can’t risk knowing you anymore than I already do. I can’t bear to know you anymore.
So hey you, while I am still away from the border line that can make me jump off the cliff, please cut me off. Please cut me off and let me fly away.