It started when I was fifteen years old. A friend and me went on a school trip 3,000 kilometers away and very little is memorable except for the girl I met there – lets call her Kate. The return home was followed up with a flurry of Facebook messages and Skype conversations. She lived a mere 10-hour drive away and was everything I wanted to be right here. After months had passed by I found myself irrevocably in love – as I grew through my teens my affection did along with it. We flew out to see each a fair number times and I had never felt so fulfilled in my life. But, as warm as my laptop got while I curled up next to it speaking to her late at night, it wasn’t warm enough to compensate for human touch.
Emotionally I had all I needed, someone who made me confident and safe. But as a horny young male would, I slipped physically. It started out with small things “Oh I got drunk and made out with _____” or “I went on a nice date with _____”, I was always honest with Kate and constantly reassured here she was where my heart was. Sometimes these things were sex but always-childish hook-ups without real passion, because I always had something I saw as mature – real connection with someone I truly loved.
Then Anne comes into my life – a beautiful but lonely girl. We talked, we got along; she knew I had a girlfriend but asked me to be “friends with benefits”. I assume this was just because she knew I would never leave Kate for her – but she wanted something. I remember the first night I went over to her house – she got drunk for it and I called her Kate. This went on for some time and it was okay. Overall I thought I had found the perfect happy medium with physical gratification coming from Anne and Emotional with Kate. Hearing Anne’s name all the time started to really destroy Kate, more than the rest did – she could tell it wasn’t just “nothing”. I put a stop to going over to Anne’s place.
I remember going to Kate’s prom and things being really good. I also remember texting Anne while there telling her that things felt wrong. I was torn. Then Kate came to my graduation and things were okay. She met Anne and it was a short, unsavory conversation – Anne and Me stopped speaking after this. Kate went home and a month later she left me. She couldn’t do it anymore; I had changed her in to something she hated – I had broken her. So with a new boyfriend and a change for the better she left me with everything falling apart. I desperately tried to hang on to her but she was already gone – a deep depression followed.
Roughly three weeks after I sent Anne a text “Kate and I are done for good, I promise. I’d really like to see you.” She came, she filled me up with affection and everything was good again. In reality I found another person to pull stability from. For six months she did this. Bought me things, did as I asked, and took care of me when I was drunk – which was nearly all the time. None of these things are what made me fall in love with her though it was showing me a light when all I saw was darkness, but I still wasn’t better – I missed Kate. Anne knew this too and this combined with knowing she was always my second choice she started to fall apart. She simply started failing me emotionally and I couldn’t help but think I never felt like this with Kate. It pushed me away and closed me off from her.
Enter Belle, a girl who was nothing special. We had a school project together and spent a little time together. We got along really well and she was kind without reason to be. We grabbed drinks a few times; I had no intent of anything romantic with her. We simply got along and it contrasted sharply with my failing relationship. But then one night after roughly 15 PBRs we were sitting next to each other – then we were in a bedroom together – then we were having sex. I remember so little but I remember I hated it, as it was done I immediately the room with no clothes to go vomit. Shortly after she asked if I had a girlfriend, I said yes. She also had a boyfriend. Everything about this was a mistake.
This happened a couple weeks before exams and I was determined to tell Anne but I decided to wait until she had written her tests so that at least her semester could be salvaged. Word got to her before, I looked far worse because of this. She was destroyed and I could see it all first hand – she wasn’t 10 hours away. I hated that it happened, I hated myself for letting it – the depression got worse. We tried for six more months to make things work and this time period was more painful than either of us could have imagined. She finally left for good.
So here I am still by myself. I’ve met wonderful girls but I have yet to find the same feelings. Things fizzle out because I don’t want to hurt them or I’m just not crazy about them. Anne and Kate are both happy functional people with happy functional people – ill get over them eventually. I feel like I’m falling behind. What I know now makes me hate how I acted. It’s changed me and maybe I’m broken now but there is so much beauty in a storm.