My heart heals slowly. The flow of my blood reminds me of a river that never ends nor begins. It merely travels in circles like how my mind has travelled in circles with endless thoughts of you. You have been an ongoing journey, an exhausting trip, but for some reason, I used to think you were my home.
During this trip, I like to picture myself on the Titanic. I thought I knew where my heart was heading. I thought that the place where my heart would end up, was right next to you. But something about you was fogging my mind keeping me from seeing clearly. At first, I thought you were my destination, but really, you were only another bump on the road. You were the iceberg I didn’t see coming and took too long to steer away from.
When I crashed into you and you did nothing to catch me, parts of me begin to break.
What amazed me the most, was that as hard as I crashed into you, you were able to stand still without a scratch, while my heart instantly started to sink.
My heart heals slowly. From time to time I can feel it jump into my throat when I think I saw a face in the crowd that matched yours. I can feel it beating, like the way it used to beat every time I was on my way to see you but only this time, it beats with fear. Fear of losing sight of myself again. Fear of losing control of the wheels again. Fear of falling in love with you all over again.
I will admit something to you. As difficult as it was for me to accept that I will never be with you, it has been even more difficult to accept that there will be someone who will. I trained my mind to draw a blank for the day when I will run into you and see you with her. I trained it, so the next time I see you, my mind will not recognize you at all.
I tried to make my heart heal faster. I erased all my memories of you. Because thinking of you, is like trying to fit back into my once favourite dress. The more I try, the more marks it leaves on my skin. The more I try, the more time I take away from trying on other clothes that actually fit. As silly as it sounds, but you are exactly like that dress … a complete waste of time.
But that’s the thing, as much as I fight to make my mind forget you, my heart won’t let it.
And I realized with shock something else. If there was a chance a magician told me he could erase you from my mind forever, I would never let it happen no matter how much I want to wish you never existed. And with this realization, my heart slowly began to heal.
I don’t regret having to leave you. You entered the stage of my life without a warning, but delivered exceptionally the role you were clearly meant to play. A role that I didn’t even know existed until you brought it to life. Except you played a part very different from the one I had assigned you. And that’s okay, because that special part, was never meant to be yours anyway. Someone else will enter that stage without a warning and steal that part. He will prove how wrong you had been for that role … how wrong you had been for me.
You gave me some of the best memories. You delivered some of the best lines. Yes there were moments where I had to tell you what to do, signal to you what to say but all in all, at the end of the day, you would be the one who had always made me laugh. I just wished that you hadn’t also been the one who had made me cry.
I don’t regret having to leave you. And sure you’re not thinking about me now, but someday, you might regret not wanting me to stay.
Maybe you will suddenly hear that song I used to scream in your ear while you did everything to shut me up. Maybe you will walk past a store with all the movies we used to watch. Somewhere you might even hear a laugh that sounds so remarkably like mine, you will realize how well you remember my laugh because that’s all you used to ever make me do.
Maybe when one of your best buddies talk about how much their girlfriend loves that same movie I used to love, my annoying chattering voice will cross your mind. Someone from behind might call out my name and your head may just spin around searching for a face that matches mine.
Perhaps randomly when you’re going through your clothes, you will remember the ones worn by both of us. And maybe when you’re alone in your room at night, thinking of our late night conversations, thinking of the excitement you used to feel at the racing thoughts of me, you will remember how much I had loved you.
And right at that moment, you may regret not wanting me to stay. You may wonder how my memories slithered back into your mind when you were so sure I was never really there to begin with. You will reconsider my very existence as if for the first time you just noticed that I was real and had played a very important role in your life.
But by that time, my heart will have completely healed. Someone else will have already found the wrecked ship you were too slow to begin searching for. He will have explored it, uncovered its stories, and understood it in a way you never could. I still find myself smiling whenever the memory of you slowly slithers back into my mind. But I never question them. I never wondered about my feelings for you because I knew what they meant. And I knew exactly what I wanted.
I don’t regret letting you go.
But maybe, one day, when you run into me and see me with him, you will regret not wanting me to stay.