It’s spring. It marks a new beginning, a change, getting rid of the old. The funny thing is I am thinking of you right now. In a romantic way? I wouldn’t say. I’m more contemplating how you affected my life, my point of views, my take on love, how I see the world so differently now, and how I feel like you are the last person I will ever love that much.
Every time I meet someone else I compare them to you, which is not healthy, I’m very much aware of that. Probably because I am still scared and I am still scarred.
I do not want to love someone else again as much as I have loved you. It was consuming and it took me long enough to get back on my feet, and still, I know I’m only halfway there after four years.
I have decided to stop letting you affect me, to let go of any thoughts of you, to unlove you. I’m quite devoid of any feelings for you, and I do feel like a load has been lifted of my chest.
I think it’s finally time for me to be happy, right now. Not that I wasn’t happy before. I was at my happiest when I was in love with you, which took a 360 degree turn when I watched you love someone else. And I know we were never together, and no, you never led me on.
I just loved you too much and you just couldn’t love me back. It’s as simple as that but it hurts like fuck.
So today, right at this very moment, I have decided that I am done with unrequited love. I’ve had enough of it. I am done chasing, I am done vying for someone’s attention, I won’t beg for time and I will never let someone trample on what’s left of my barely-glued-back-together heart.
I want reciprocated love. No, actually I want someone to love me as much as I loved you. I want to be somebody’s reason for waking up every morning. I want to be the reason for someone to want to be a better person, the best that they can ever be. That, my love, is how you made me feel. And I want that for myself, too.
I want to feel loved. I want to be adored. I want to connect with someone on a deeper level. I want someone I feel comfortable with even when there’s silence between us. Someone I can laugh my heart out with, someone I can make funny faces at and who still looks at me like a jewel. Someone who can handle my mood swings, someone who will love me for me. Forever doesn’t even have to be involved, I don’t believe in that word, anyways. It can last for a year, seven years, it doesn’t really matter.
I just want to be loved for once in my life. To feel that somebody appreciated my existence in this lifetime.
I want a love so beautiful, people would think it’s too good to be true. A love on an intergalactic level. A soul mate, a best friend, a life-changing love, a love so true that the next generations will be envious of it. It doesn’t have to be a happy ending; it just has to be true. And reciprocated.
And I will never, ever settle for less than what I deserve. No, not again. I deserve better, I owe that to myself at the very least.