If The Members Of Justice League Had Jobs In 2012


Following the success of The Avengers, DC is already working on a Justice League film. Unfortunately, JL wouldn’t benefit from the multi-movie set up that the Avengers had, since Bale wouldn’t do it, Green Lantern was awful, and Superman is still facing some issues getting a stable reboot. To combat these obstacles, I offer my brand consulting services to DC.

Superman – Journalism is shrinking, so it makes little sense for Superman’s alter-ego to work at a newspaper. Instead, Clark Kent is a snarky blogger/content farmer who uses his super powers to improve his SEO ranking and fight employers of unpaid interns.

The Flash – An overworked graduate student who, while working on an experiment late at night, injects a speedball (heroin and cocaine) while simultaneously getting struck by lightning. He now has super speed and perpetually coked up.

Wonder Woman – Diana is a political strategist for local elections in LA. She also writes a monthly column in Jezebel called “Punch & Patriarchy.” Her schedule allows much time for fighting crime. Her invisible jet is a hybrid.

Aquaman – Aquaman was a hydrocephalic baby left for dead by his teenage junkie parents. A dolphin saved him, and through a plot device, gave him superpowers. Instead of superheroing, he mostly fights for improved treatment and care for sick children while operating his own Sea World-like theme park. He writes “King” instead of “CEO” on his business cards.

Martian Manhunter – In order to appeal to xenophobes, J’onn J’onnzz is a self-appointed Texas border patrol minuteman who uses his powers to keep America safe from drug traffickers, turrurists, and “ethnics.” He is kind of racist and ignores the fact that he is actually another race. His human form looks like Sean Hannity.

Green Lantern – DC announced that GL is gay now, but it isn’t the GL most people know, so in 2012, Hal Jordan is a graphic designer (except Illustrator, he hates Illustrator!), who is part of the galactic Green Lantern corps, but also retains the golden age GL’s weakness to wood.

Batman – Realizing early on that fighting on the streets will never cure Gotham of crime, Bruce Wayne instead uses his vast wealth and One Percent status to form a private defense/security company a-la Blackwater, while also forming numerous SuperPACs to fund candidates who support privatization of local police departments.

This line-up is much more appropriate for modern audiences, and will help DC finally get the big team film that they’ve wanted for years.

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.