I Still Love You And I Probably Always Will


You were a thief.

First, you stole my heart. Then you went and stole the next five years of my life.

You drained me. I gave you all the love and tears I could have ever imagined that I had. I didn’t know what to do with myself when you decided to walk out of my life like that.

Two years later, I’m still here writing about you. I don’t hate you nor do I blame you for what happened. In fact, I want to thank you for the best and worst years of my life.

I still remember meeting you for the first time. I will never forget those eyes and the way they looked at me for the next three years that we spent together. They were so enthralling, it was almost as if I was looking into a kaleidoscope of wonders. It was hope that I saw in your eyes. It was such a beautiful shade of green. The tints of chestnut brown that dusted your irises took my breath away.

That wasn’t even the best part. The best part were the constellations that speckled across your face. I wanted to spend the rest of my life counting those stars on your skin. The stars that people call freckles. There I was, 2 o’clock in the afternoon. Who would have thought that stargazing was possible during daytime.

I wasn’t supposed to tell our story, not like this. You were supposed to be my happily ever after, and not just another chapter.

I had my whole life planned with you. The fact that I was willing to just drop everything including my mother and brother, even after my father told me on his deathbed to take good care of them just so I could move across the country to be with you was pure evidence of how crazily I was in love with you.

Call me selfish. Call me insane. I wanted you and I wanted us.

There I was, just a 17-year-old girl recovering from an abusive relationship. All I ever wanted was to be loved and you made sure I had that.

Sometimes I ask myself if it is possible to love too much. The answer is yes, at least with you it was. And I know very well that I will never love the way I did with you again, and I have accepted that.

As much as I didn’t want to let go, I had to. It took me a really long time to be able to talk about you without bursting into tears. Every time I thought about you, all those memories would come rushing back to me, especially the night when you put that ring on my finger. For a long time, I had to keep my mouth shut and bite my tongue just to hide it from everyone.

You haunted me for nights. What’s even worse was that I was disgusted with myself. When they kissed me, all I tasted was your mouth. I couldn’t hold myself together. I wanted you. Just you and no one else. It was a vicious cycle that sucked me back in over and over again.

And just when I thought I had everything under control, those lingering pieces of us acted like a gravitational force that just pulled me right back to you. I had no way of escaping. I was trapped in that downward spiral for two whole years.

I don’t know how you did it, but you did a damn brilliant job.

You loved me then you destroyed me, in every way possible. What happened between us still dwells within my soul.

And I’m finally not afraid to tell you.