I will not apologize for feeling pain when I look into your eyes and see a blank stare holding the place of a spark I once knew all too well. I can shut my mouth, afraid of giving you another headache or another grey hair, but I will not apologize for feeling angry.
I will not apologize for feeling sick every time I think about you with your hands on someone else. Or the way you screamed and threw that storybook necklace you bought me for Christmas–the one that you wrote tiny love notes inside of–when you found out you were not alone in your infidelities.
I will not apologize for knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that your mistakes were worse than mine. I will always take full responsibility for my part in the downfall of our relationship, but I will not take responsibility for your faults. I will not apologize for “making you” respond to online ads on websites. I will not apologize for “provoking you” to seek out other women.
I will not apologize for my depression, much of which has been made worse with the pain caused by our relationship’s shortcomings. I have beaten myself up over my mental health for the entire time we’ve been together and I won’t allow myself to do that anymore.
I was never quite outgoing enough, never loud enough, never funny enough, and I never had enough exciting ideas. I didn’t have enough “life experience.” But I will not apologize for being myself, regardless of the fact that I was never enough for you.
I will not apologize for being angry with you. You made me believe in fairytales. You led me to believe that we were soulmates. You put a ring on my finger and told me that we would be together– through thick and thin–and then you took those words back.
I will not apologize for being furious with you for making me believe the unbelievable, and then not believing it yourself. I will not apologize for asking for more from you. For asking you to live up to the promises you’ve made me over the past two years. For remembering the day you stopped me in the middle of the sidewalk, right after we spent a few hours trying to scrape up enough money to pay for your recently towed car. You stopped me and held my face in your hands. While looking me straight in the eyes, you promised me that you would never hurt me and we held hands as we continued walking.
I will not apologize for feeling angry that you did hurt me over and over again. I will not apologize for bringing up our past. I will not apologize for bringing up every sacred memory I have of us during the “good” times and begging you to feel that way again.
I just can’t apologize for these things.