I Pushed You Away But I Should Have Loved You Instead


When you looked at me with your eyes of admiration, it pained me. It pained me because I knew I would never be able to reciprocate the feelings that you were willing to give. It pained me because I knew you would be good for me. Too good. Perfect, even. And my stupid heart just won’t let go of her first love.

When you arrived at my front door with a bouquet of flowers, it pained me. It pained me because at that very moment I knew I should have given you a chance.

 All I want now is for you to know this: You deserved more and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give you just that. 

When I was so down and so fed up about every single problem I had, you were there. When I thought I lost everyone, you proved to me that some can stay. When I cried about the guy I’ve fallen head over heels for, you comforted me. You saw how big of a mess I could be and you were still there and it pained me. It pained me because I wasn’t able to do the same.

Love is a choice, yes. And I would choose you. If only I had realized this sooner, I could have chosen you. I have no reasons to justify how I acted before. I only have the present and sadly, even the present is too late.

It pained me before and it still pains me now. It pained me that I said those hurtful words to you in hopes of pushing you away. Little did I know that at the very time you’d be gone, I’d regret every word that ever came from my mouth. It pained me that I was able to realize all of this when it was already too late. It pained me and it still pains me as I realize that you were the one guy who had went through so much just to break the walls I’ve protected myself with — only to find out that whatever you do just wasn’t enough.

Your love brought me pain me but the absence of it brings me even more of this hurtful feeling, this pain I never thought I would feel and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to read it now when everything is going good for you.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to realize it sooner. I’m sorry I acknowledged my affection for you now that you are with someone else. It pained me (and it still does) but I sincerely hope you’re happy with her.