I Pray That You Will Never Have To Deal With This Illness


I pray that you will never have to deal with this illness.

With this kind of pain.

The kind that makes you feel all the emotions of the people in the room you’ve just entered, but frantically search for yours before someone else notices.

Forces you to dump your care in the depths of your wilting heart. But you end up thinking about it more.

Tells you to bury the pain within so you won’t hurt other people but you still hurt them anyway.

Makes you easily let go of the things you value most because you don’t have the energy to get up. But keep pushing yourself to be there and ready to offer yourself.

Try your favorite little things you know can make you happy, but nothing comes. You still feel the same so you drain more of your energy for nothing.

Even if you try everything to keep choosing positivity, it just doesn’t work anymore. Because it doesn’t really work that way.

Makes you doubt your existence and regret it because you have been taught that God loves you more than anything.

Pours more guilt in your jar for feeling this pain even though the people around say they care until they get tired.

Drives you crazy whenever you finally feel happiness for a long time. You constantly feel that something bad will happen and you don’t deserve that moment of joy.

Makes you a burden so you neatly keep all the hurtful things they tell you because they do not understand. So you suck it all up. You forgive them anyway because you cannot forgive yourself.

Lets you think that you’re a failure and all you’ll ever be is a disappointment in their eyes because you keep screwing up.

Rots in your core agonizingly slowly so you’ll have to keep punching yourself to remember that being lost alone is better than dragging other people with you.

Convinces you that you are weak and must carry this alone because other people have things on their plate, too.

Poisons your mind and heart and lets you believe that you do not deserve any good thing in your life.

Nothing you do will revert all this to the one you once were. You will continue to drown until being weak is all that you are.

I really pray you will never experience that kind of pain. It will really hurt. That’s why those suffering with it need you. They need your presence even if they push you away. Your love. Your understanding. Your kind words. Tell them that you will be there no matter what. Because it’s not just a day full of sadness, it can be a lifelong persistent nudge on their shoulders.