I Loved You, But I Love Myself More


I realized that one day I’d outgrow all sorts of things: my salmon pink blazer, my fear of public speaking, Santa Claus. I never thought I’d outgrow us, but I did. I miss you and I’ll love the memories forever, but neither of those things changes anything.

I loved you, but I love myself more. I love myself enough to accept that after seven years, I’ve outgrown this. I’m sorry that you didn’t, that you weren’t ready for me to say goodbye, I’m sorry that I wasn’t the friend you needed me to be; instead, I chose to be the friend they needed me to be.

You’ve always been entitled to feel and think in your own way, and that led to some hard times for us. I’m sorry that my unconditional love didn’t include unconditional forgiveness. I couldn’t choose your side—it sounds selfish, but I needed to choose my side.

You messed up, but this time I couldn’t stand by you. I couldn’t tell you it was okay because I didn’t think it was. I had to love myself enough to accept that this had become toxic. I was at a standstill with myself.

You didn’t just hurt me—you hurt them too.

“Sorry” wasn’t enough to fix this one, because “sorry” could never repair the damage.

You apologize because you want to clear your conscience; you apologize a million times hoping it’ll erase the past.

Remember that this is all happening because you didn’t value us, not in the way that I did. You can’t take back what you did to the people close to me, you can’t take back all of the hurtful things you said to me. You can’t go back to being my best friend just because you’re sorry.

I loved you, but I couldn’t bend my morals for you. I loved you, but I couldn’t forgive the betrayal.

You broke my trust, you lied to my face for months, you did it so effortlessly that it put seven years of friendship into question. Had you always been this girl? Had I simply not seen it? What else had you lied about? Was any of it real?

How do you sleep at night knowing you emotionally destroyed someone? How do you feel knowing you shattered my world?

Do you realize that I can’t ever see you the same? You’ll never be able to fix what you broke. The years of friendship we shared will now be overshadowed by this, by your decision.

I have no interest in clearing your conscience. My interest is in moving forward with all of the pain and fractured pieces that remain. I’ll go on with my newfound trust issues and my aching heart. You can move on with your guilty conscience and your new life, which wasn’t yours to take from someone else.

I loved you, but in the end I love them more. I love me more.